1.22.2009

Vent, vent, vent

Get ready for this, I have a lot to say. Not trying to depress anybody, just want to get some stuff off my chest.

My dad came to the rescue yesterday (he owes me) and put some stop-leak stuff in my radiator. It seems to be leaking less. The ground is pretty wet though so its kinda hard to tell if its dripping. I have to check the coolant level every time I get in the car, but gotta do what I gotta do. Can't take the car in, can't miss work... and since both Hubs and I work (at different times in different places) being a one car family isn't really option for us.

I'm still not any closer to figuring out this daycare thing. I think I may ask a friend who is a SAHM right now if she can help but I don't know how excited she is about changing another diaper, kwim? Not that I blame her... one is hard enough. Bless the souls of you who have more. Despite the fact that I'm not a good pregnant person (we don't get along...) I just don't think I could handle another child without going insane.

I used to say that crazy people have more fun, and maybe that's true in some sense, but not when its the "why's" that are making you crazy. And I can't even drink right now b/c of the meds I'm on, so much for that relaxing glass of wine with dinner.

I don't really know where this post is headed, I'm just kinda letting my fingers do what they want with the keyboard.

I've been down a lot lately. Sibling problems... Did I tell you how I ruined Christmas? Probably not, and I will spare you the details, but lets just say I tried to keep my mouth shut but when a certain (drunk) someone who shall not be named couldn't shut theirs, I came unglued. I'm not proud, it wasn't pretty, and I'm still not over it.

Then I found out my health insurance was cancelled (via a letter from the insurance company and NOT from my boss) just days before both Goose and I had to make trips to the ER. Fantastic. At least we are double covered (through Hubs) so hopefully we won't pay too much out of pocket. Then no Christmas bonus (which I get, but again, my boss kinda omitted the fact that there would be no bonus) plus I am his only employee, so its no secret to me that we've been slow. But after 5 years of working for him, you'd think he would be a little more upfront with me.

And another thing... I am tired of people treating me like glass. Especially my mom and dad. With all this car business, I have been super stressed and each of them keep trying to baby me and make sure I don't get upset. I know that they are both scared of my "mental disorder" and I think its just from lack of understanding on their parts. I love them both and I know they are just worried about me but I think they forget that, despite the meds and the panic attacks and the anxiety... I'm still allowed to have bad days! I'm still allowed to cry. I'm not so fragile I'm going to break if I get upset. My car is f*cked up and I'm pissed about it. And if I want to cry b/c it's literally been one thing after another for the last 6 months, I'm allowed to do that right? Right?

I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up and it would be nice, if just for once, I could be ahead of the game. Know what I mean?

It seems like all of the men in my life have let me down at one time or another recently. Some are making amends... some aren't... I just have to keep on keeping on.

One analogy my counselor likes to use is this:

Imagine you are on a small stream, standing on the banks next to a tide pool. Down that stream float leaves and as they float past you, you pick them up. Each one represents something in your life. A person, a problem, a situation... anything. Now, if its something you can (and are willing) to deal with right now, you put that leaf in your pool, trying to hold onto as little as possible. Making sure to let go of the things you can't do anything about. Maybe those problems will come back later on, floating by, but its your choice to pick it up. Its your choice to hold on to it.

I think about that all the time. And, at least for me, it's a great way to put my life in perspective. To be able to acknowledge that these things exist in my life that I can do nothing about and just LET GO. Let. Go. Two words, five letters, seems so simple and yet... here we are.

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PS - Carolyn wrote a great post today about the inauguration that makes me want to give my husband a big ole kiss. I love the way she writes and I constantly turn to her blog when I need a new (and usually humorous) perspective on life and motherhood!

2 comments:

Tessa said...

i know how you feel, and you totally deserve some bad days. i get them all the time just ask my hubby! i have alot of panic attacks(to the point i hyperventilate and need oxygen) and i have anxiety problems. Everything will get better, just remember there is others out there worst off. hope your day gets better

Carolyn said...

Sorry you are having such a hard time (but it was a great post, Kelsy!). I think winter must have something to do with it, because I also haven't been able to shake this feeling of general shittiness lately. I read a book that said that people with anxiety, etc tend to be creative, intuitive and intelligent. That made me feel better. But yeah, the constant WHYs can just get exhausting.

(I tried to buy a ribbon rose from your etsy because, again, I LOVE them. But you don't ship to Canada. Oh well. But let me know if that ever changes!)

Feel better. :)

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