4.21.2010

Exceptionally Bad Days

"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."
~Abraham Lincoln.
 
I've been thinking a lot about this quote.  I don't know where I originally read it, but its been stuck in my head.  I have spent a lot of time on my knees lately.  Mainly due to throwing up and panic attacks. All this moving and Craft x NW has me super stressed out.  And I don't handle stress all that great to begin with. 
 
I find myself asking "Why?" and coming up empty handed.  Asking "What will You have me do?" as if I expect to hear a voice answer back.  I want to believe that someone is listening. I want to know my path.  I feel like I am being punished for something, and I want to make penance for my wrongs.  But how?  Can't I get an answer?

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  Going in circles through this whole process for nearly two years now and feeling no closer to a solution now than I was then.  Its a little wearing on the soul.  Mine, my family... I'm lucky to be around so many wonderful supportive people.  I know my problems are small in comparison as well, but constantly, I find myself asking "How much is enough?"

Not just for myself, but for my daughter who asks me "Are you sick?" and then tells me "I hope you feel better in the morning."

And for my husband, and for that tired look in his eyes.  I should say, tireless.  He has been a huge support for me, I don't know what I would do without him in my life.  But I know he is stressed out by it all.  I can hear it in his voice when he asks me "Is there anything I can do to make it better?" knowing I'll have nothing to say.

Is it selfish to question His plan? Even when the days seen so terrible that you would give anything to have it be over?

I know, though, that however miserable I am, I am truly blessed.  I have a husband who has stood beside me, given me strength, someone who has selflessly carried this family through some terrible situations.  I have a daughter, who despite everything, loves me with her whole heart.  She doesn't care if I am sick, she just wants to love me.  To be with me.  And that's enough for her, because some days, thats all I can give. And if she loves me anyway, then that IS a blessing.

There are just a lot of unanswered questions in my head right now. Questions I don't even know if I have the right to ask.  But questions none the less.  I guess the past week has been harder than normal and I am just having an extremely hard time dealing with it.


1 comment:

Krazy Armstrong K's! said...

Hey sweetie! We all have questions and waiting for answers. Just do know you are loved from far and near!
XOXO

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