Its Not So Bad Afterall

I feel so lucky for everything in my life right now.
And for the first time in a really long time
I feel like I am truly and genuinely

Of course, let me say that right now we are in a tougher spot financially than we have ever been.  With the move and the fire and the cost to "rebuild" our lives; its been really really tough.  We are struggling.

But I'm not worried.  Because I am confident we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  My health is improving, I think its been over a month since I had a major panic attack WHOO HOO! New meds, new environment, new outlook on life.
I feel good.

I know this rough patch is temporary. We are saving so much money! Living on this side of town, Steve is able to bike and ride the bus to work. We cut our gas bill in half.  No more furnace. Water, sewer, and garbage included. A smaller yard. Family activities within walking distance. It just all feels better.  And with no computer, that means no paying for Internet, X-box live and Netflix. Although, I really miss Netflix!!!

Am I stressed? Yup.
Am I sad? Sometimes more, sometimes less.

As I unpack what we did get out, I feel overcome by happiness.  Each box contains something I thought was lost forever. In each box a little miracle.  But as the boxes dwindle, I am faced with the realization that there is so much we still do not have.  Each box is a reminder of what was destroyed.  As the number of boxes grow smaller, so do the little miracles.  The treasures. 

This weekend I found a box of Goose's coats that I thought were all left at the old house. And as I unpacked her boxes, I remembered her coat rack was still mounted to the wall outside her bedroom, with coats and pictures still on it.

I went through my scrapbooks and cried.
I remembered all of the large professional portraits we never had framed. They were still "safely" in their envelopes in my old craft room.  Saw remnants of Molly on nearly every page... a solitary hair clinging between the pages.  I didn't wipe them away. 
Hubs told me he felt the same way about the smell of our couch.
Musty old dog. Yum.
Okay, not really, but still Molly.

I had her first and last collar saved in my bedroom.
But they weren't "saved"
It kills me to think she is still at that old house, all alone.
But I have her leash. And some chew toys.
And a few stray hairs.
And a stinky couch..

It's quite a contradicting life I am living right now.
So happy and peaceful and yet so sad and stressful at the same time.
It's somewhat of a balancing act, but this time I'm not afraid to fall.
I'm not scared to be sad.
The stressful feeling isn't overwhelming.

I feel like I am dealing, transitioning, re-establishing who I really want to be.
Who I really AM.

I am setting some big goals.
And for the first time (in a really long time)
I feel like I'm going to complete them.
And not just that...
I am going to blow every one out of the water.

1 comment:

Shasta said...

Fabulous post Kelsy ;) Love it!

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