Just today, as I was talking to Goose, she told me that every night she has nightmares about fires. She has said things in the past, but I guess I never really put it together. I still have nightmares about the fire. It's been almost two years (May 24) and it suddenly hit me that we aren't even close to being "over it."
I know I said I was grateful. After the fire I felt so profound and overwhelmed at the outcome of the events but the reality is that it completely crushed my family. I feel like only very recently we are finally coming out of the fog (or smoke, if you will.)
While I was thankful and incredibly blessed to have come through things as we did, I was still completely lost. We were all safe even though all our stuff was lost. But it was more than our "stuff" that was lost. I lost a sense of security, a sense of permanence. Apparently, so did Goose. Sure I was grateful, but then what? There was and is so much rebuilding to do and I finally feel ready.
The past two years have felt like a blur. I have been living. I have been getting by. I have been existing. But never moving forward. And I don't know what it is but I finally feel ready to let go. To let go of all of the things I lost. The things we did manage to box up and move have just sat in boxes for the last 21 months. Our house felt nothing like a home. While I had things to hang on the wall, they sat covered in dust in the garage. Our windows sat without curtains. In the back of my head I thought, "Why bother? It will all burn to the ground?"
In the last few weeks though, both my husband and I have felt the change. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but we are finally ready to let go and move on. I bought a new lamp and some curtains. The kitchen looks welcoming. The living room looks more cozy everyday. I finally feel like this is a place I can stay...
And yet, I forgot to think of how any of this has effected my daughter. She was only 4 when the fire happened and I took for granted the fear in her heart. I pushed her fears out of my mind, as there was no room for anyone's fears but my own. However today she told me that every night... Every night she has bad dreams about the bad people burning our house down with a match. It breaks my heart to think that while I was working so hard to deny my fears, here she was, living hers. I wasn't ready to accept that the trauma from the fire was still impacting me today, how could I possibly see that it could mean to anyone else. But...
I am finally ready to deal with it. To move on. To accept that it happened and we are coming out better for it. I can imagine what you are all thinking, "How bad could it be?" Not that bad, right? I mean, we survived, as did most of our stuff.
I wrote the top half of this post over a year ago. Re-reading it today, I'm stunned. So much has changed in the past year and yet still, not much progress has been made. Most days, I feel like I am treading water. But I suppose I am moving forward, ever so slowly, at a snails pace.
I have a new job. And its sort of my dream job in fact. I am working at Shipwreck Beads and at the beginning of April, I moved from the shipping department to a brand new position that was created for me. Thats right, I am now the Social Media Coordinator. I am writing our blog, Loose Ends. I also manage our Facebook and Pinterest and other online accounts. Every single day I am stunned that I am actually getting paid to do this. I get to bead and put together tutorials. Its almost unreal.
Blogging for the store makes me realize how much I miss blogging for myself. I miss writing and sharing. Being introspective and sharing parts of myself I have completely neglected. So here I am, moving forward. Progress will be made. I'm committed to being a better person. A better mother. A better blogger. Pretty much just a better me. It feels good to be back. Although, I suppose I never really left.