11.06.2008

Honesty.

I have struggled for a long time about how honest I want to be on this blog. Do I want to keep it strictly craftworty? Obviously, I can't talk about the crafts without talking about this kid b/c well, without her, what woulI craft? Or do I want to delve into a deeper layer of my self and do I really want to share that with the world?

But I finally can to the conclusion that this blog is call a "Crafty Mom's World" and my world is so much bigger than the stuff I create and my profile even says I try to live as honeltly as possible, And since we are on the subject or honestly, I have to say that things have not been going so great in my world.

Not money wise, not with the Hubs, and definitely not with Goose (although she has been sick since Sunday night and it is the most pitiful thing you have ever seen. It even warranted a trip to the emergency room, but we were FINE before the Dr. even saw us, funny how that works.) everythiong is pretty giood but just with me in general.

I have been dealing with a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks. I can't explain it, but since August, things have just spiraled out of control. My panic attacks cause me to be nauseous and throw up and as a result I have lot over 35lbs. I haven't weight this since high school. (But I did convince Hubs, sort of, that its good that I didn't throw anyway any of my skinny clothes b/c I actually have cute stuff to wear. LOL)

IF you have never had a panic attack, its an extremely isolating and scary thing. It got to the point where I wasn't eating and couldn't get out of bed. As you can imagine, my work suffered, my family suffered. Try explaining to a 2 year old why mommy is sick again!? And my husband, god bless my husband, because he has been my rock thorough this all. Always trying to please, and make me feel better when there was little he could do. He drew my bath before I had to ask and has been the most amazing father through it all. I love him so much and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

Anyway I finally took the plunge and saw a Doctor. Well, a Dr. and a counselor and I am on some meds that hopefully once they start working I should be back on track. One of them I am taking has already started to kick in and I can already feel a little more upbeat. For a while there it was hard to see the light at the end of tunnel, I didn't think there was one.

So there it is... all on the line. More that I have every shared with anyone before. I'm not used to being this raw with things, this honest. I don't like to talk about my self, not the deep personal stuff. I'm private, I'm the strong one. But I even say in my profile that I try to life as honestly as possible and I think that not being honest about this was tearing me up inside. I had this secret that I desperately needed to talk about but was too scared too. For what reason I don't know, scared I suppose. Scared people would judge me, scared that people would think I am crazy.

Rationally I know this is silly but in my head... in my heart... its not that easy. I finally came clean to my whole family. My mom is accepting although she would rather believe that its physical not mental, my dad thought I was bulimic but they are both understanding and worried and willing to do anything to help.

Even my boss has been a huge help/ I'm glad we work in the type of law we work in (employment) b/c he has a great understanding of anxiety/depression and has been completely wonderful and supportive and is just focused on getting me better. I've worked for him for 5 years (almost exactly) and he knows what I am capalbe of.

SO thank you for all taking the time to read this, I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to be honest about it all. My plan is, at least now that I am feeling a little better is to be blogging a little more. Maybe more day to day, just so I can get things off my chest. I'm tired about being too scared to talk about what I am really feeling and it people can identify with what I say, great, I hope I can help someone.

AND don't worry!!! I am not going to stop crafting! I haven't crafted in a while, but I miss it. I SO MISS BEING CREATVE!! I'll probably be posting lots of pictures over the next while or so. AND!!!!!! I am still starting an Etsy shoppe, I've just been hiatus with that like ever thing else!

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ETA - Linked this up to Tip Junkie as my favorite blog post (on your own blog) of 2008. I chose this post, b/c I think it marks a time in my blogging "career" when I started to take it seriously and realizing that I needed to let people get to know the real me. I feel like this post let me get past my fears that people wouldn't like me and that even if I'm the only one reading my blog... thats okay!

5 comments:

Julia said...

hugs... love you girl!

Shanna (aka sjl202) said...

So so glad to see you back! I have missed your posts! HUGS to you and I will be thinking of you!

SSShasta said...

We have missed you! :)

Lacey said...

HUGS Girl... if you ever need to talk i am here for you... to listen, to vent to or whatever :) Glad to see you posting again!!!

Carolyn said...

Hey! I'd been wondering where you went, so I am glad to see you back blogging! And I hope you're feeling a whole lot better. :)

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