I hate you. I HATE you SO much. I hate that you have a such a strong hold on my life. I hate that I can't control it. I'm afraid that I will never be "normal" without medication and Doctors and misery.
It seems like its been worse this past couple weeks and I don't know why. It's like I have less control. Like those little tricks I've learned to help stop my PA's in their tracks. But they aren't working. I was thinking it might be because I'm on new birth control but I don't know. I have a Doctors appointment next week and hopefully things will start to look up for me. I just don't know what to expect anymore.
I miss being in control of my life. I hate that its now controled by medications and panic attacks. That I have missed out on birthday parties, holidays, date nights, bedtime stories. I am no longer the friend, daughter, wife and mother I once was. It's effected every facet of my life. And I am just at the mercy of my PA/GAD.
Even work... I've only been able to pull half days lately. It sucks. I feel like a failure. I'll be feeling perfectly fine and then... WHAM! I get hit. My hands shake, my forehead sweats and I can feel it creep up my chest and it gets hard to breathe. My stomach starts to churn and... then its over. A day, maybe two... I try so hard to control it but I can't.
I feel like a failure. As a wife, as a mother, as a person... what I'm doing, this isn't life. This is not living. This is merely getting by. Day to day, never knowing what will be thrown at me. I miss my husband. Yes, he dotes on me, and takes care of me and does more for me than I could ever ever ask, but he deserves a wife. Someone who can dote on him. My daughter deserves that too. But I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't get over this.
No one wants it more than me. I know it stresses Hubs out, my boss... my mom. I forget, ya know, with all that is going on with me, about the people who depend on me and how much this is affecting them too. I don't know what to do.
I just want to be me again.