11.18.2009

Open Letter - Probably TMI

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Dear Panic Attacks:

I hate you.  I HATE you SO much.  I hate that you have a such a strong hold on my life.  I hate that I can't control it.  I'm afraid that I will never be "normal" without medication and Doctors and misery.

It seems like its been worse this past couple weeks and I don't know why.  It's like I have less control.  Like those little tricks I've learned to help stop my PA's in their tracks.  But they aren't working.  I was thinking it might be because I'm on new birth control but I don't know.  I have a Doctors appointment next week and hopefully things will start to look up for me.  I just don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss being in control of my life.  I hate that its now controled by medications and panic attacks.  That I have missed out on birthday parties, holidays, date nights, bedtime stories.  I am no longer the friend, daughter, wife and mother I once was.  It's effected every facet of my life.  And I am just at the mercy of my PA/GAD.  

Even work... I've only been able to pull half days lately.  It sucks.  I feel like a failure.  I'll be feeling perfectly fine and then... WHAM! I get hit.  My hands shake, my forehead sweats and I can feel it creep up my chest and it gets hard to breathe.  My stomach starts to churn and... then its over.  A day, maybe two...  I try so hard to control it but I can't.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife, as a mother, as a person... what I'm doing, this isn't life.  This is not living.  This is merely getting by.  Day to day, never knowing what will be thrown at me.  I miss my husband.  Yes, he dotes on me, and takes care of me and does more for me than I could ever ever ask, but he deserves a wife.  Someone who can dote on him.  My daughter deserves that too.  But I feel like no matter  how hard I try, I can't get over this.  

No one wants it more than me.  I know it stresses Hubs out, my boss... my mom.  I forget, ya know, with all that is going on with me, about the people who depend on me and how much this is affecting them too.  I don't know what to do.  

*Sigh*

I just want to be me again.

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*photo @ top courtesy of Photobucket.

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3 comments:

Devon said...

((Hugs)) Kelsy I hope your dr appointment goes well and you can feel like you again.

ToccaraFeliciano said...

I was dropping in to see how you are doing and what you are up to...I love your remixes! Also I hope you are feeling better!

Nichole said...

Hey, haven't talked to you since high school but I followed your link to your blog on facebook and was drawn to the picture of this post because of the pills (I take tons of pills for lots of health conditions caused by cystic fibrosis).

I see that this post is from a few months ago, and I hope you and your doctor were able to come up with something to help you feel better.

I was actually addicted to ativan for a couple of years thanks to my awesome former psychiatrist and me not knowing any better. Anxiety is a rough road and it seems to only get worse and worse.

But I'm FINALLY feeling better and in control. I stopped the ativan cold turkey in september, and though I think about taking it often, I haven't slipped up. And after having many sleepless nights and anxiety ridden days, the thing that has worked best for me is just telling myself again and again that those bad feelings will pass. Eventually my heart and thoughts will stop racing and I will be able to communicate better or fall asleep.

I guess my mantra is "these feelings will pass." It's nice to know that something so simple has helped me so much.

Anyway, take care. It's awesome to run into people on facebook and to see them doing so well for themselves.

-Nichole McMillan

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