Every body's different...

I've decided to try and incorporate my camping post for today into Julia's Working Mom Wednesday meme. Her topics for this week are:

#1 - Talk about a moment of mommy guilt (and how you pulled through).
#2 - Proudest moment ever (work or motherhood related).

How do either of these relate to a camping trip, you ask? Find out... though I will say, I'm not sure I fully answered either of them.  But as long as you get thoughtful words on the page, to be introspective, I say its a #win.

Our first day in Chelan, we spent at the water park.  I remember going there as a child. I remember going there as a self concious teenager trying to get attention from cute lifeguards.  And I remember walking into the park with my daughter and feeling the insecurity wash over me. 

It hit me. I wasn't 16 anymore (well, duh!) and I certainly don't look like it.  But I like how I look. I do, really.  And yet, still I felt fat. Dumpy. Old.  Steve assured me I am not, but he's my husband, he is supposed to say those things. 

We spent the day there.  And I spent the day, agonizing over my body and how I looked in my bikini.  Yeah, I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight... but I doubt I will see my pre-pregnancy shape ever again.  And the worse I felt about me, the more I thought about all the things my body has been through.  The years it has seen and the gifts it had given me.  The more I considered those things, the better I felt.  Everytime I walked up the path to the water slides I felt stronger and more secure. 

I'd walk behind those teenage girls, with their smooth skin, flat stomachs and perky boobs, and despite the small pangs of envy, I felt sorry for them.  Well, not really.  But it did make me think about my daughter and the things she will have to face as she gets older. I think of my mother and her insecurities, so similar to my own, and I hope I don't pass them along to Goose.  I know its a hard balancing act women have to play, because fact of the matter is you are judged by your outer beauty. 

I wear makeup and heels and push up bras.  I blow dry my hair and shave my legs.  Goose likes to put on makeup with me and I worry about what I am teaching her.  I try to tell her she is smart. And strong. And brave.  Yes, I tell her she is pretty too.  Because of her sparkling smile and twinkling blue eyes and her sense of humor and how sweet she is.

She told me the other day, that you are only pretty if you wear make up and thats why boys are ugly.  It made me a little sad, that's the last thing I want her to think.  I told her I didn't wear makeup to be pretty, I wear makeup because its fun.  Because the colors make me happy.  She told me she wants dark hair like me and when she is an adult she is going to do exactly what I do. 

I'm honored, but its a big task.  I don't want her to be like me.  To make my mistakes, to live my hearaches.  I know its inevitable.  I know its up to me to be the person I want her to be.  So I make strives everyday to be confident.  I don't talk about my weight, or when I feel fat.  We talk about eating healthy, we talk about how important it is to just be you.  I hope she is listening.  I hope that the right message is getting through.  I don't want her to feel torn in her own skin, like many girls and women do.  How do you find a proper balance between being modern and being old fashioned? Can you be a feminist and still wear red lipstick and curls? 

All that said, I do like myself and I am comfortable in my skin, flaws and insecurities and all.  I'm happy to say, I rocked my bikini, without a cover-up.  I feel like I put those little girls to shame.  And so what if I wasn't getting checked out by guys. Truth is, most of the men at the park who were my age were dads. There with their wives and kids.  Just like my family. And that is more than okay!