Working Mom Wednesday - An Announcment

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Dear Friends,

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you may have already caught on... or maybe not, I've been trying to keep it quiet.  Here is my big news... this Friday is my last day of work.  As of November 1st, I will be a stay at home mommy. 

It finally got to the point that my health issues were really interfering with my job.  My boss has been more than understanding for the past couple of rough years and I completely respect his decision to find someone who can be in the office consistently.  I will be getting unemployment so that will soften the blow of the lost income, but I have to admit I am a little scared.

I don't know if scared is the right word, apprehensive, maybe? Obviously, the lack of income is a main concern. But I think for me, the biggest thing is that, for the first time in my adult life, I will be unemployed. I will have no job.  I've worked since I was 15 and always had a job.  A coffee stand, an ice cream store, the bead store, and the law office. 

I've never had to struggle to find a job.  I got my job at the bead store kind of by default, I was dating the owner's son, after all.  I was in the store one day shopping and his mother asked me if I wanted a job, I said yes and showed up the next day.  I worked there for nearly 5 years.  Even this job pretty much fell into my lap.  My friend worked for my boss (he is her grandfather) she wanted less hours and I wanted a new job.  That was 7 years ago. 

Seven years of my life have been dedicated to this job.  No, it wasn't my favorite.  I've never been a fan of paperwork.  And lets be honest, as a Legal Assistant, paper work is all I do.  But it was still a good job.  I've had great benefits and perks, a lot of flexibility and the most understanding boss in the world.  I've been pretty happy, albeit a bit lonely here.  I am also a social person and I miss the constant person-to-person interactions I had when working retail.  Sure, I work with clients on a daily basis, but the contact is limited and, well, paperwork.  Also, I don't have any co-workers other than my boss.  It's not like I'd spend my day chatting it up, but having someone to relate to is essential in relieving job stress.  There are other people that work in this office (though not for my boss) but they aren't technically "co-workers."

It's a little sad though, thinking about the cases I've worked on and the relationships I have formed with clients.  I know this office back and forth.  The clients, the cases... I'm invested in so many things here.  I personally care about many of these clients and their cases.  There are people I want so much to succeed and have their wrongs be righted.  It's sad to know that I won't see the cases to completion and won't get to share in the joy of our clients.  It wasn't my favorite work, but it was and is rewarding. 
I'm also scared to be a stay at home mom.  I'll be completely honest, this terrifies me more than anything.  I have been known to have a tough time on the weekends, let alone seven days a week.  We are going to try and keep Goose in daycare.  Not only for my sanity, but for hers.  She loves to learn and loves her friends, it would break my heart to separate her from something she loves so much.  But I'm also excited because, other than my maternity leave, I have never been able to stay home with Goose.  I'm already planning outings with other mommy friends and craft projects. 

And craft projects... I will have time to break into my craft room and go crazy! I plan on working on my Etsy store, any extra money I can bring in will help.  Hopefully, I can spend more time on my blog too.  Maybe I can even become a "real" blog with giveaways and sponsors and stuff.  Or maybe I'll just start with my Etsy store and go from there.  Anything I can do from home I'm gonna have to try!

Mostly, though, I am EXCITED! I've never had to struggle for a job.  I've never had to look.  I've never had an opportunity like this.  I have been tossing around several ideas for a while that are looking like more of a possibility than ever.  (I don't want to say anything in case I jinx it! ::knockonwood::)  I'm not worried about not finding anything.  I'm not planning on looking for a while (provided we can make it work financially) because I need to focus on my health right now and get my shizz figured out.  I need to get healthy before I can responsibly and professionally look for a job. 

I'm hoping that by the closing of this door, another will open.  It usually does.  And I hope that it will be better.  I can only have faith that this is the path I am meant to take.  This has been an incredibly tumultuous time in my life and I have to trust and have faith that its where I am meant to be.  It's not up for me to question just to act.

This may be my last Working Mom Wednesday post for a while. I've had a wonderful time following Julia's meme and will continue to visit those that link up to it!

I like it on the hood of the car

You may have heard about the breast cancer awareness game around the interwebs this month. 

This years game is to post in your status where you like "IT."

IT being where you put your purse when you get home at night.

I don't know what in the world that has to go with breast cancer awareness, but its funny and cute and I participated.

"I like it hanging from the back of the chair in the kitchen."

And I thought it would work for a cute title of this post.

See... pretty basic purse stuff. 

Thrifted bag, notebook, ball point pen, fingerless gloves, fruity gum, 2 hair ties, bullet bracelet, (lots of) keys and cherry keychain, pocket mirror, mascara Cover Girl LashBlast, lipgloss by Sally Hansen, lipgloss by Cover Girl, 2 lip liners Maybelline (red and pink), lipstick pink NYC, lipstick Pearl L'oreal, all-day wear lipstck L'oreal (RED), Pepto, water bottle, and an owl wallet. 

Not pictured, my BlackBerry.

Cuz lets be honest here, it never leaves my hand!

Also, since we are being honest, I think I may be addicted to lip "stuff"

7 products? 7, really? Seven!?

Normally there would be more. 

My purse is relatively clean, I've been switching them up alot lately!

::gasp::

I know I'm late, but I wanted to do this one anyway.

Linking up!

Ten Things I Learned During "No Make-up Week"

September 20-27, 2010

No Make-up Week. 

No Make-up Week was thought up by Rabbit Write to explore her thoughts and feelings about being a woman in society with a "naked" face.  I jumped on the bandwagon a little late and didn't start until Sept. 25th, but I did go for the whole week. 

Here are some things I learned...

1. My morning routine was shortened by about 30 minutes.  It was nice to just get up, shower and walk out the door.  The first day, I still did my hair (and had a really good hair day) but after that, I just got dressed and walked out the door. 

2. The first day was really hard.  Really hard! I wanted to put on something.  Just mascara... bronzer... lipstick... but I didn't. It was hard to resist even putting some lip gloss.  I stayed true and only used my Burt's Bees and moisturizer. 

3. Nobody noticed.  I expected to get at least one "you look tired," or an "are you sick?" but no one noticed.  And if they did, they didn't comment on it.  My husband noticed, but he likes me better with no make-up anyway.

4. There were no messy creams and removers.  Just a quick wash at the end of the day and I was ready for bed. I really hate the smell of that crap!

5. I felt like my day never really started.  I was missing a good chunk of my normal morning routine.  Even if it was nice to get the extra sleep, my body missed the extra time "waking up" in the morning.  I felt less prepared and more rushed.

6. I felt less professional.  At work, I just didn't feel like I was putting my best face forward.  It's not that I felt unattractive, but I knew I wasn't putting forth my normal effort.  Whether you wear make-up or not, when you put effort into your appearance, it boosts your confidence and it shows. I almost felt like I didn't have my full uniform on.

7. As the week went on, I cared less about my appearance.  I found I wasn't really making an effort at all.  I wasn't doing my hair or putting the same thought into what I was wearing.  I felt sloppy.  I think this kinda ties in with #6.  I was just not playing up to par.

8. Make up is expensive.  Even the cost of drugstore brands can add up.  I didn't save anything by just stopping for one week, but I can admit that I do have too many products.  I love color in all forms and make up is no exception.  Eye shadow is my favorite!

9. I touched my face. All. The. Time. I found, that without make up, I was touching my face all the time.  Rubbing my eyes, resting my face in my hands, messing with my bangs... when I have make up on, I am much more careful not to touch my face.  Don't want it to smudge!

10. Posting the picture was the hardest part.  I like my face. And my moles and my freckles, but I ususally Photoshop them out.  Even with make-up I airbrush out every little percieved imperfection.  I'm a little ashamed to say, I have even "airbrushed" Goose, but its true.  There I am, though, in all my no make-up glory.

So, no huge philisophical revelations or anything and I'd like to say I learned something new or that it will change my behavior, but no.  I'm glad it's over.  I'm back to wearing my "full face" and I still won't wear make-up on the weekends. 

Go to Work, Wife, Mom... Life to check out the other Working Mom Wednesday posters!!!

 

 

A Baby Story

Working Mom Wednesday - Prompt #1

Birth Story!

Lets just make this the whole shebang and go for a WHOLE pregnancy story. I found out I was pregnant in July, 2005. It was completely unexpected. Steve and I had been together for six year already. We had always planned on getting married and having a family. Just… in a while. I remember taking two pregnancy tests, even though I already knew. I wasn’t late (yet) but I knew. I just felt pregnant. I don’t know how to describe it. Steve came home from work, knowing I had taken the test, and as soon as I told him, I broke down into tears. I didn’t think we could do it. We weren’t married. We weren’t ready!!!

A few weeks later I started to get sick. And not just morning sickness sick. This was a terrible, all consuming awful sickness. I couldn’t escape it. The doctors don’t normally see pregnant women until about the 10th week, but I had already been in the ER twice (maybe 3 times) at that point. When I finally did go in for my first exam, I was given Zofran. It worked miracles but was expensive (like $1200+ for a month supply, with insurance!) so we tried something else. In fact, we tried everything else. Too many medications to count, over the counter, prescribed, naturopathic… I was due April 4th, 2006.

I was in and out of the ER, 8 times total, for dehydration, hyperemisis gravidarum(HG). I was admitted twice, once for three days. I had been poked and rehydrated more times than I could count. Once, when trying to take my blood, the nurse had such a hard time getting enough from me. I was so dehydrated that my blood was thick and gel like.

I was always hungry and could never eat. The second food would hit my stomach, it would start to turn. I lived on peanut butter sandwiches, chicken noodle soup and (as required by my doctor) one banana a day. I weighed 95lbs by the end of my first trimester.

My doctors wanted me to get on home health since it would be the cheapest way to provide care to me but it required a PICC line in my arm and I refused since we had planned our wedding for December. I think my wedding day was one of the few days I wasn’t sick. But a week after the wedding, I was on home health, getting weekly visits from my nurse. IV bags and IV meds and I almost fainted the first time she inserted the PICC line. I still have a scar on my arm from where the line went in.

I don’t remember much from my pregnancy but I remember when I took my glucose test. It was the worst experience of my pregnancy. Like I said, I was sick. Nothing stayed down. Nothing. The nurses knew this, but we all know how the glucose test goes. You have to drink this nasty syrup with the taste of orange soda. I struggled to keep it from coming straight back up and then struggled the next hour to keep it down. And I really mean struggle. Have you ever had a fight with your body? I have, and I lost. But I kept it down long enough for the nurses to take my blood. I was queasy, I was nauseous, I was so happy to be done. But the nurse must have noticed my distressed state because she asked me if I was okay. She told me I would have to sit until I felt better. I told her I had to puke and she told me they couldn’t let me leave. So I forced myself to seem better. All the while, the nasty orange syrup was churning in my gut. Finally, she let me leave. I sprinted my pregnant ass to the nearest bathroom and hurled up every last trace of orange. I still can’t drink orange pop. BLECH!

The rest of my pregnancy went “smoothly” and by smoothly I mean no other problems other than HG. Once I got to about week 30, I was in Labor & Delivery at least once a week for preterm labor. The dehydration was making me have frequent and painful contractions. I was told to drink 64oz twice a day. I couldn’t even keep down a cup. That was until about week 36, when babies are no longer considered preemie. They would no longer admit me to be rehydrated. The contractions got worse and I was miserable. My doctor agreed to induce me around the end of March, provided I passed an amnio confirming the babies development.

We went into L&D for the amnio on the 21st of March and were told that it was full. I was devastated. I mean, really really crushed. Finally my end was in sight but now… just a dark tunnel. I know its melodramatic, since it really was 2 more weeks. But honestly, two more weeks was more than I could take. And apparently, it was more than my body could take as well.

It was 3am on the 22nd, I woke with contractions that were different than the Braxton Hicks I had felt before. Sharper, wrapping all the way around my back. I got out of bed and sat in front of the furnace, wrapped in my favorite quilt. Molly (my sweet old dog) rested her head on my big belly. She knew what was going on even if I didn’t.

The contractions didn’t really slow, I think they were at about 8 minutes apart so I called the doctor around 7 or 8 am. I had my weekly OB appointment later that afternoon, so L&D told me that unless my contractions became more frequent, to just go to my appointment later that day. Well, the contractions did slow considerably and I went to my doctor that afternoon. She examined me and determined I would probably give birth within the next week, but likely the next 48 hours.

So, we went home to wait it out. I remember the day lasting forever. And around dinnertime, the contractions came back full force. It was 9:20 in the evening. It was a Wednesday, right in the middle of LOST. It was the episode where Sun found out she was pregnant, but I missed that part. I watched it on DVR later.

Steve and I packed up and went to the hospital. We waited in admittance. The woman who helped us was a wonderful, grandmotherly Hispanic woman and so so sweet. She asked us the babies gender, girl. She asked the name, we told her our list. Olivia, Isobel, Sophia, and Gabriella. Then, she went on to tell us about how much she loved the name “Gabriella Elana,” (We loved Elana, but already knew a baby by that name) it was the name she picked out for her first daughter. Unfortunately, when she actually had a daughter, she went with a completely different name. She vowed to name her next daughter Gabriella but never had another. I remember looking at my husband at that moment. Could it be? Gabriella?

We were admitted and went to triage in L&D. They checked me and I was, in deed, in active labor. We didn’t have to wait long for a room. I got all hooked up to the machines and IV’s and then they gave me something to “take the edge off” whatever that means. It was probably 10:30 or so when the whole gang showed up. My mom, dad and mother in law. Really, I only wanted the moms there. I didn’t really want my dad to see me in that state, but I didn’t have the heart, or the energy, to tell him to leave.

At one point in the night, they had to break my water. A resident doctor was given the task and her inexperience showed as things proceeded to get her very wet and messy. The room erupted in laughter and she tried to hide her embarrassment. Then, the doctor checked my progress and told me I was coming along and that if I felt like pushing I could, or I could sleep. I was dizzy and nauseous, so I went to sleep.

I remember puking but they wouldn’t give me anything this time. It was almost over. At some point I got an epidural. Then at 8:30 am on the 23rd, the nurse woke me up and told me it was time. I couldn’t feel anything below my waist. The baby wasn’t quite in the right position so they had me get onto all fours. I remember how astounded the nurses were that I was actually able to get up on my knees, given my partially paralyzed state. But I was determined. I’ve never been so determined in my life. I wanted that baby OUT!

I pushed, three times. It took 13 minutes and at 8:43 am, my baby girl was laying on my chest. Steve and I looked at her and then at each other… Gabriella. Yes, she is. My Gabby Goose.

After that, I don’t remember much. Just being in a blissful, exhausted, confused state. In a quick moment, our entire lives changed. We became a family that day.

I often think about having more kids. Very often in fact. But I don’t think pregnancy is for me. I don’t think I can do it again. I know, its only 9 months, and it was completely and totally worth it and I would never change a thing but… I can’t do it again. For my families sake. I know every pregnancy is different, but I’ve done my research on HG (learn more!) and I know things are stacked against me.
So, our family will stay a family of three. At least for now, anyway. Steven and I have discussed the possibility of adoption or foster parenting but until we own a home, its all up in the air. I’m just very happy with where our family is right now. We are in a happy place. The three of us are so close. I can’t be disappointed. We truly are blessed to have a daughter as wonderful as Goose.

Crush

There is one certain blogger that I especially admire.

Her name is Alexa Mae.

She is so inspiring, with her writings on faith and motherhood.
Her story alone is one of triumph. Her husband suffered a debilitating stoke and he is now on the path to recovery.

I imagine that Maddix and Goose would be great friends. Giving each other tattoos and swimming in Maddix's little pool.  And her son Bronson? What a doll! He just started kindergarten and is on his way to breaking all the ladies hearts. I'm sure Goose would be smitten. She's a bit boy crazy these days.

Out of all the blogs I have ever read, Alexa is the blogger I would love to meet the most. I bet we would get along great! For one, she is just as clumsy as me. I was sure I was the only one in the world that was able to fall UP stairs. Her sarcasm, wit and charm are impossible not to like. 

I can see it now, the two of us sitting outside in the shade drinking lemonade and laughing. Watching the girls play "mermaids" in the pool or maybe picking on Bronson. Cuz that's what little girls do to little boys when they out number them.  We would be so immersed in our conversation that we wouldn't notice that the kids got out of the pool until we realize how quiet it had become.  We'd go look for the girls and probably find them in fancy dresses, jewelry, makeup and trying to put on nail polish. Something else little girls do.  Maybe we would play dress up too. And then put on some loud music, Lady Gaga please? and dance and sing like crazy people. 

Isn't her family lovely?

Her blog makes me feel good about being a woman, wife and mother. Despite the struggles she has faced she has remained strong. I know I can always go to her blog to read something to lift my spirits. Her humor and insight... I can't get enough!

Those Who Can't Buy, MAKE!

 I really wasn't intending to post for WMW today, out of sheer laziness but what the hey...Here are the prompts... #1. Favorite recipe, organizational tip, or money saving tip!
#2. Would you rather have more money and less flexibility at your job, or less money and more flexibility?

I'm gonna go with #1 today... can you guess what my tips are?
It's about clothes...

BUY USED!
Make it NEW!

Recently I started posting some "I Bet I Can Make These" posts
here, here and here.
They consist of things that I love but can't afford but think I can make myself.
(I think the title is self-explanatory)

I love fashion. I love shoes. I love clothes.
I don't have a lot of money.
A lot of my clothes are hand-me-downs or second hand.
Many of my "designer" high end pieces... Good Will.
Yeah.

Not only do you support your community when you shop at Good Will, but you can save a FORTUNE and look great! Often, Good Will has close outs from stores that are new-with-tags. Can't beat that.
Salvation Army and Value Village are good ones too.
In my town, we have a store called Dumpster Values.
Its a second hand store with some amazing pieces.
In fact, the top I am wearing today came from their $1 bin.


Here are a couple blog links that have some great re-fashioning ideas.
Scissors, Glue Paint - Aynie posts her favorite links from around the web.
Grosgrain - Kathleen has a "Thrift" feature to show her readers how to make the most of their thrift store clothing finds.
Clothed Much - Eileen shows how to make the most of a limited wardrobe.
Kendi Everyday - Kendi is the brain behind the 30 for 30 wardrobe remix. Its a great way to expand your outfits without spending money.
UCreate, tatertos & jello and Tea Rose Home
are also some great sites with awesome crafting ideas!

Even Julia has refashioned some clothing for her daughter!

For alot of things, you don't even need a sewing machine.
With just a needle, thread and some patience you can have a one of a kind, fashionable (and CHEAP) wardrobe!

Rock Star

source

As early as I can remember, I wanted to be a rock star.

Not just a rock star. I wanted to be Jem.

The pink hair, the magic star earrings, the wild make up.

I wanted to be just like her.

But really, I just wanted attention.

I couldn't sing. I couldn't dance.

But I loved to talk.

Ham it up.

Always the boss.

The center of attention.

For several years, I was Jem for Halloween.

I remember in Kindergarten, my teacher let me MC for the "Christmas" concert.

I was always in choir.

But as I got older, the tomboy side of me won out.

I played sports and excelled at fastpitch, playing from 7 until 18.

I always wanted to be in plays, drama, but never had the time.

So choir was it.

I loved to sing. I still love to sing.

I don't care anymore if I am any good at it.

Goose likes it when I sing.

Some of my best memories from school come from choir.

Girls choir. Symphonic Choir (mixed). And Jazz Choir.

Jazz Choir was a 0 hour class, audition only.

I was proud to be a part of "JC."

And finally, a break in my fastpitch schedule Senior year.

I signed up for my first (and only) play.

"Good News."

I even had a speaking part.

It was a musical and I still can't dance.

But it was the most fun I ever had.

I'm still a show off.

I still like to be the center of attention.

And, I think, that is why I blog.

For the attention.

To have a captive audience to listen to my crazy so my husband doesn't have to.

And to show off a bit.

I would never do it in person.

But on MY blog I can just yell

LOOK AT ME!

LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!

LOOK!

LOOK!

LOOK!

LOOK AT ME!!!

I think I still want to be a rock star when I grow up.

Yup.

I also wanted to be the president.

Again for the attention.

And

Cuz I would then be the boss of everyone!

Working Mom Wednesday!!!

Let's Unwind

To unwind from my day, I like to grab a glass of wine, my idea book and a few magazines.

I like to cut out cool stuff I want to try and make.

Pictures with fabulous colors or concepts.

Maybe I will sketch some things.

Most of the time, I park it on the floor and make stuff 'till my fingers are tired.

The other day, I made earrings.

Lots and lots of earrings.

I also tried my hand at a "bird's nest" necklace.

I've seen them on Etsy and all around the web.

These were specifically inspired by this.

And they were incredibly easy to make,

you just need lots of patience when working with wire.

Crafting is my outlet for all the crazy that floats around in my head all day.

Now go visit Julia,

 its

 WORKING MOM WEDNESDAY! 

Ten Things About Parenting

Today, I am gonna share my top ten things

I wish someone would have told me about parenting and/or

ten things I would tell someone about to have a kid.

1. Baby stuff is for mom.  Babies don't care if the swing you bought is the coolest one on the market.  They don't care if their clothes are in style.  I'll be honest, I'm just like any other mother, any other woman... I love to shop. So, shopping for my girl is no different. I have to admit, I went overboard with my "need" list for my baby shower and I spent more money than I should have on clothes.  Babies grow SO fast! Invest in quality items but know that sometimes, used is better. Seriously, babies are so cute on their own, they don't need the cutest clothes/stroller/diaper bag. So just know that the stuff is really all for YOU and not for baby.

2. Listen (and trust) your parents. They already did it once (at least) and you survived, right? I know some people have crazy parents, but thats a different issue.  Yes, your parents will do things different than you.  And yes, you may need to inform them of the "new" medical issues that exists that didnt X years ago.  But different isn't worse.  Sure they might let your kid eat ice cream and stay up late, but that never killed anyone.  I never understood my parents until I became one, and it is such a gift.

3. Everything changes.  This is the most cliche line in parenting, but it is also true.  Everything, I mean EVERYTHING will change the moment your baby is born.  The way you see the world is completely different.  The relationship between you and your spouse... your parents... yourself.  And it can be really bad if you let it.  The most important part is to not lose what you had before parenthood.  You need to be true to yourself and know that the baby is becoming part of your life and should be integrated into it.  Be open to the changes but dont forget about the foundation. Build on it.

4. You will feel guilty. No matter what. Its impossible to avoid.  You will feel guilty. About something, maybe about everything.  You work so you feel guilty for being away.  You stay home and you feel guilty for not contributing financially.  Are you feeding your baby right? Well, my baby said her first word at four months, what about yours?  Don't feel guilty? Then you will feel guilty for not feeling guilty.  Truth is, in the end, it doesn't matter when or what or how.  Love your child. Period. Do whats best for them.  Try your hardest.  If you are doing those things, you are doing it right. Even if someone tells you different. 

5. Its okay to cry.  This goes for both you and baby.  Its okay to let them cry and its okay for you to cry about it.  I can't tell you how many times, when we were trying to train Goose to sleep through the night, that I would put her in her crib bawling and I would leave the house, sit on the porch and cry.  Sometimes parenting is alot to handle.  We all have are breaking points.  Its okay to put a fussy baby in their crib to cry it out.  The crib is a safe place.  Take a moment to yourself if you need it.  You will both survive!

6. Sleep when the baby sleeps.  Another cliche parenting rule. But again, so true! And this is also one of the hardest things to do.  But, especially when baby is brand new, sleep whenever you can.  Let the dishes pile up and the laundry sit in the dryer.  When baby is asleep, get yourself a snack and then sleep to.  You will be thankful for that sleep when you are up at 3am feeding.

7. Beware of other mothers.  Sure, its nice to have another mother to commiserate with, but beware of women out to sabotage you.  Ya know, the perfect mother. Both her and her kids impeccably dressed. "My kid did _____. She/he is so smart/gifted/bright." She is the one-upper. If your kids did something, hers did it better.  Most likely, she is talking out of her ass.  She is probably just as stressed out as you are. Also, never never never allow yourself to be compared to celebrity moms.  They have trainers, stylists, nanny's, etc.  Also, spanx.

8. It only gets harder. Sure things get easier as your child grows and becomes more self sufficient, but it also gets harder.  Well, maybe it doesn't get harder, but it definitely doesn't get easier.  The issues change, the conflict... but there are always gonna be some sort of challenge to deal with.

9. This too shall pass.  Lather, rinse, repeat. Often.

10. It's totally worth it.  Your child will stress you out beyond belief.  But every night, after you put them to bed, you will sit on the couch and reminisce about the day.  You will look at your husband (or significant other, or to yourself) and say how much you love her.  How amazing she is and how lucky you are.  And you won't even remember how difficult the day was.  All you will remember is how sweet she was when you read her a bedtime story, and she told you she loves you and gives you a kiss. :) Its what I live for.

Now hop on over to Julia's blog and see what other moms have to say!

Every body's different...

I've decided to try and incorporate my camping post for today into Julia's Working Mom Wednesday meme. Her topics for this week are:

#1 - Talk about a moment of mommy guilt (and how you pulled through).
#2 - Proudest moment ever (work or motherhood related).

How do either of these relate to a camping trip, you ask? Find out... though I will say, I'm not sure I fully answered either of them.  But as long as you get thoughtful words on the page, to be introspective, I say its a #win.

Our first day in Chelan, we spent at the water park.  I remember going there as a child. I remember going there as a self concious teenager trying to get attention from cute lifeguards.  And I remember walking into the park with my daughter and feeling the insecurity wash over me. 

It hit me. I wasn't 16 anymore (well, duh!) and I certainly don't look like it.  But I like how I look. I do, really.  And yet, still I felt fat. Dumpy. Old.  Steve assured me I am not, but he's my husband, he is supposed to say those things. 

We spent the day there.  And I spent the day, agonizing over my body and how I looked in my bikini.  Yeah, I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight... but I doubt I will see my pre-pregnancy shape ever again.  And the worse I felt about me, the more I thought about all the things my body has been through.  The years it has seen and the gifts it had given me.  The more I considered those things, the better I felt.  Everytime I walked up the path to the water slides I felt stronger and more secure. 

I'd walk behind those teenage girls, with their smooth skin, flat stomachs and perky boobs, and despite the small pangs of envy, I felt sorry for them.  Well, not really.  But it did make me think about my daughter and the things she will have to face as she gets older. I think of my mother and her insecurities, so similar to my own, and I hope I don't pass them along to Goose.  I know its a hard balancing act women have to play, because fact of the matter is you are judged by your outer beauty. 

I wear makeup and heels and push up bras.  I blow dry my hair and shave my legs.  Goose likes to put on makeup with me and I worry about what I am teaching her.  I try to tell her she is smart. And strong. And brave.  Yes, I tell her she is pretty too.  Because of her sparkling smile and twinkling blue eyes and her sense of humor and how sweet she is.

She told me the other day, that you are only pretty if you wear make up and thats why boys are ugly.  It made me a little sad, that's the last thing I want her to think.  I told her I didn't wear makeup to be pretty, I wear makeup because its fun.  Because the colors make me happy.  She told me she wants dark hair like me and when she is an adult she is going to do exactly what I do. 

I'm honored, but its a big task.  I don't want her to be like me.  To make my mistakes, to live my hearaches.  I know its inevitable.  I know its up to me to be the person I want her to be.  So I make strives everyday to be confident.  I don't talk about my weight, or when I feel fat.  We talk about eating healthy, we talk about how important it is to just be you.  I hope she is listening.  I hope that the right message is getting through.  I don't want her to feel torn in her own skin, like many girls and women do.  How do you find a proper balance between being modern and being old fashioned? Can you be a feminist and still wear red lipstick and curls? 

All that said, I do like myself and I am comfortable in my skin, flaws and insecurities and all.  I'm happy to say, I rocked my bikini, without a cover-up.  I feel like I put those little girls to shame.  And so what if I wasn't getting checked out by guys. Truth is, most of the men at the park who were my age were dads. There with their wives and kids.  Just like my family. And that is more than okay!

I Restore Myself When I'm Alone

Yes, 

it's that time again and Julia has a great question for us this week!!

How do you regain focus and perspective on being away from your kids/family for work? How do you refresh and get back on track when life seems to get you down?

Good question, right?  I mean, how does anyone do it?  Deal with stress.  Kids or not, we all have to deal with it.  You grow up with a rosy disposition, thinking things are all butterflies and roses.  You are tossed into the big ole world, if you are lucky enough (or coddled, if you aren't) and you get up every day and you just do it.  

Thats not to say I don't know my share of people (mostly Hubs friends... great influences) all on the upside of their 20's that still live at home and play World of Warcraft all day.  Okay, maybe only two or three of his friends, but still!  

Being a parent makes you grow up immensely fast,  No matter your actual age.  No one is EVER fully prepared for it.  You plan and think you are ready and BAM! Baby makes three (or four or however many...)  You get by.  You take each day as it comes.  Get up every morning and hope that what you are doing is enough.  

And let me tell you, you will never think it is.  At least I don't.  In fact, most of the moms I know don't think they are "enough."  I say, do your kids love you? Yes? Than you are enough.  Love is always enough.  (And its taken me a LONG time to learn that.) Saying it is so easy...

Anyway, I'm getting a little off topic.  I guess that kind of answers the whole deal on "focus" huh? LOL!   I guess, for me, crafts are a big one. And being outside.  As much as I can.  I know, it sounds juvenile, but its true.  I can even tell a difference in Goose when she gets time outside. So, as long as its not raining... I we try to be outside as much as possible.  

When I was younger, I played sports.  Fastpitch specifically.  But I can always remember being out doors.  Playing in the woods, camping... a total tom boy.  I feel a little at peace when I am able to reconnect with that part of myself.   My inner child!

Even at work, I try to get outside for at least 15 minutes a day.  I walk up the hill by my office and back.  It's just a nice distraction.  A break in the day... 

This time of year is my favorite.  Sunny yet still and crisp and cold.  The air has a certain bite... a taste that lingers in your lungs, stings with every breath.  Feeling the warm sunshine and seeing the new growth on the trees, the budding tulips... birds chirping... Woah... I was really feeling that. Hehehe...

I guess, first and foremost, I try not to forget me.  I try to get my time.  Even if it is that 15 minute walk.  Somedays, thats the only time I get to be really along. Introspective.  Sure... I have "time" at home, but there is always someone else home, so its not really "alone" time.  

And sometimes... I even take a few minutes to slip out of the house and go to the store.  Groceries, the dollar store.  I don't really ever buy much.  I just like to wander up and down the isles.  Without making conversation.  

"What's that?"

"Mommy! I want that!"

"Goose! Stop touching!"

"Where did your dad go NOW?!"

"I wanna go-oooooO!"

So while I have to steal alone time to compose myself and regain what little sanity I have left, as far as life is concerned, I just get up every morning and do it.  Because thats life.  Because I know hope that what I'm are doing is enough. Even if it never is. And I do it because I hope it all pays off in the end.  Ultimately though, I am the one who decides if my work is actually paying off. I like to think my hard work, my husbands hard work, the hard work of the "village" raising our child IS paying off.  

And maybe you, like I, didn't understand the sacrifices your OWN parents made for you.  Well, that is, until you had kids of your own.  I know I didn't.  

Like I said, you can prepare, but you are never ready.

Just get up everyday. 

And KNOW that it's enough!

Did I answer the question? I don't even know.  It's late. I'm tired.  I may have to re-evaluate this post after I read it in the morning.  Honestly, at this hour, I'm not sure if I am making any sense at all!

Working Mom Wednesday, on Thursday

What do you about work when your child is sick?
Whose responsibility is it to stay home when daycare is not available?
Should Mom be the typical caregiver or should Dad step in?

For us, it actually works out pretty well.  My boss is pretty understanding, so it is a little easier for me to take time off.  And I can bring Goose to the office with me for small periods.  For the most part though, Hubs and I switch off who gets to stay home and who goes to work.

Funny thing though... I am usually (like 90% of the time) the one to take her to the Doctor.  Amazing how Hubs always manages to squirm out of that one...

We only have Goose in pre-school 2 days a week, the other three days she stays with my mom, so most of the time its a non-issue.  We also have jobs that allow us to have state holidays off too, so we don't have any problems with day care not being open.

Hubs and I try and take equal responsibility in raising Goose and staying home on sick days is no exception.  We weigh who has what going on at work vs. leave time available vs. who stayed home last.  

It's important to us that she has quality relationships with both her father and I.  Part of that is staying home on sick days.  She needs to know he is just as capable of taking care of her as I am.  And he deserves to have that time to dote on his little girl too.  

I never would have married the man if I didn't trust him to be perfectly capable of caring for our child.  

One Day Closer to Friday

And it just happens to be
Working Mom Wednesday!

Here is today's question...

Confessions!
What one (or two, or three, or four....) household chores do you loathe?

Um... all of them? Can I say that?
I hate anything domestic. I detest chores.
But it has to get done, ya know?

I tend to be in charge of laundry. Sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away; mundane loathsome laundry. Actually, I really only put away Goose's clothes and towels. The rest just kinda hangs out in laundry baskets. Hubs is actually much better about putting his laundry away that I am. I am perfectly content digging through basket after basket of folded clothes.

It's the dishes, though, that I really despise. I won't/don't do them. Ever.
Hubs gets dishes and I get laundry. The only problem is... he hates doing dishes as much as I do. So, needless to say, our kitchen is a perpetual disaster zone.

I also don't cook. I can cook. I'm not terrible at it. I love to bake. But as far as meals, I am pretty much tapped at Spaghetti and Macaroni/Tuna Casserole.
Hubs does 90% of the cooking in our house.
He's just better at it than I am. That and I don't cook meats.
I eat them, but the smell of raw meat cooking is just icky. Especially chicken.

And we eat way too much takeout.

Dusting is meh.
Cleaning the bathroom is just gross.
I hate being on my knees scrubbing.
Mopping and window washing are forgotten.

Vacuuming, though, I like to vacuum.
Maybe it's cuz it reminds me of my dad (he used to work for Hoover.)
Maybe it's the way the motor is so loud you can't hear anything but your own thoughts. Pushing it back and forth, getting sweaty... and then laying on the clean carpet.
Like a snow angel.
I get a lot of satisfaction out of it. I don't know why.

So there ya go. My chore confessions.
Let it be known, I am the most un-domestic woman in the world!


PS - I will be cooking dinner tonight.
Hubs is sick today so I have to step up to the plate.

Working Mom Wednesday

I frequently stop by my friend, Julia's, blog.
She is a scrap buddy, has two super cute kiddos and a great feature on her blog on Wednesday's. Ever Wednesday she poses questions to working moms (and sometimes SAHM's too).
I read it every week but have yet to participate.
But I figure what they hey!
And today's question definately caught my attention!

As a working mom, if you suddenly became a SAHM, how do you think your life would be different?

Honestly, I don't think I could be a SAHM. I crave adult interaction and I find the challenges of my job really rewarding. I would, however, prefer to work part time instead of full time, but financially that wouldn't work for my family. My daughter is still young, only 3.5, my mother (and Aunties) watch her 3 days a week and she is in "preschool"/daycare twice a week. She loves school and I'm thankful that she is able to spend time with family. Goose and my sisters are so close you would think THEY were sisters. At least they fight that way.

Eventually, once Goose is in school. I would like to scale back my hours so that I can be there to send her off to the bus and be there when she gets home from school. And it has always been a dream of mine to coach fastpitch. Seriously, my dad and I have talked about coaching since I played in high school. So, I hope she wants to play! I know working full time isn't really suited for those things but I think its important to be there for your children.

That said, I would still work part time, I think. Even if it was just minimum wage at a craft store. Just for the discount. Tee-heee.

Or if not that, I would probably start my own business. I have always wanted to see if I could sell my crafts but I just don'd have the time, working full time out of the house, to put the needed effort into maintining a business. But oh, how I would love to! Some of my craft idols (and mom's to boot) are Miss Janes, Katie of Skunkboy, and Rachel Denbow. I wish I knew their secrets! But really, I think it has alot to do with the fact that they are SAHM and crafting IS their full-time job.

Truth be told, I'm not domestic... I'm creative. I don't (not can't) cook, I hate cleaning, will never do the dishes, loathe laundry and scrubbing the toilet... The only chore I like is vacuuming. I don't know why, I just like it.

I went half crazy (and I went the rest of the way crazy during the terrible twos) during my maternity leave and that was only for 3 months so I don't know how I would handle playing wife and mom full time. Not that I don't love those "jobs" but I am quite partial to Kelsy and I don't want to forget her or who she is and what she loves.