Ready to Stop Fighting

Thank you, Jenny, The Bloggess for sharing this last night.

Ya know how sometimes the universe sends you a sign and tells you exactly the thing you need to hear?

Well, thats what this blog post was to me last night.

I read it and re-read it.

I cried harder each time. 

I needed to hear that I was wanted, broken or not.

Her words caused my soul to crumble and shook me to the core.

You're not alone.

I'm still working up the courage for a real, honest, deep post.

I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been a tremendous struggle.

There have been a lot of sleepless nights, even more tears...

But I am ready to be done.

Done fighting and ready to live!

Sums it up..

I've had a crappy week.

Hope yours has been better!

I have lots of blogging and Etsy updating to work on this weekend.  

I could really use some sunshine and maybe a smoothie. 

I've been trying to think more positively about things. 

Last week was good. This week, not so much.

Baby steps!

On a happier note, I went to a friends baby shower last weekend.

Miss Amanda!

And I made baby some headbands and clippies.

This new mama is one of my favorite people.

I've had a girl-crush on her since high school.

Her style is amazing!

Her attitude is inspiring!

She is one of the most naturally beautiful people I have ever met!

I can't wait to meet her baby when she's done baking!

One Big KISS

Jackie and Bender's 9th Annual

ONE BIG KISS

for Seattle Children's Hospital

Every year, my favorite radio station has a two day radiothon to raise money for the Uncompensated Care Fund.  Which means the money donated is put into a special fund so that NO CHILD will ever be turned away for treatment, regardless of their families ability to pay.

Seattle Children's Hospital features state of the art care by some of the leading Doctors in the country.

These Doctors are so committed to their cause they treat their patients as if they were their own children.

My family has never required such care, and I hope we never do.

But...

I still give. 

$5, $10, $20.

Every year.

Whatever I can manage.

No matter how little.

Every penny helps!

I give for the children I know that are healthy.

I give for the children that are not.

The children that are missing out on their childhood.

"Such little people shouldn't have to deal with such big problems"

~KISS 106.1 Listener

So, if you can... I ask that you tune your internet radios to KISS 106.1 and listen to their inspirational, hopeful and heartbreaking stories. And if you can, GIVE!

I realize that this blog reaches a worldwide audience, so I know you may not be inclined to give to Seattle Children's.  So use this opprotunity to give to children in your area.

But also keep in mind, Seattle Children's is one of the leading children's hospitals in the country.

They have even recently opened a state of the art Autism Treatment Center.

All I'm saying, is you never know.

It could be your child.

A neice or nephew.

Cousin. Grandchild.

No one want to believe it can happen to them.

And maybe it won't.

Still...

Please give!

Here's how to donate:: <-- this link will take you to the donation site!
1.Through our secure online donation page hosted by Seattle Children's. The page walks you through the process -- it's easy!
2.Call 206-987-1061 or 1-866-987-1061 and donate to our volunteer team RIGHT NOW. We'll even read your name or your loved one's name on the air if you want us to! :-)
3.Bid on any one of our GREAT pieces of music memorabilia at our EBay Store!
 

Radiothon ends tonight at 7 p.m. PST!

PS - It is my intention/desire/hope to be able to donate some items for the Auction next year. Perhaps a custom mini album or 12x12 scrapbook. Or maybe even one of my nifty guest books. Or a memory box. Or maybe all four. It IS for a good cause, afterall!

First Things First!

I need to post some stuff about New Years and Resolutions and all that jazz.  

But first I need to finish posting about Christmas.  

And I am really sorry to be so late with it and everything, but pink eye, ya know? Makes looking at stuff hard. Itchy red eyes... not cute. Not fun.  

I can't wait until I can wear contacts and makeup again.  

Did I mention...

That Goose caught pink eye again... 

and then she gave it to me for Christmas. 

It sux.

My eyes burn.

My vision is  blurry.

It itches.

Green puss.

Ew!

PS - oh yeah... and I have to wear ONLY my glasses till it clears. 

Happy effing New Years Me!!

Open Letter - Probably TMI

Dear Panic Attacks:

I hate you.  I HATE you SO much.  I hate that you have a such a strong hold on my life.  I hate that I can't control it.  I'm afraid that I will never be "normal" without medication and Doctors and misery.

It seems like its been worse this past couple weeks and I don't know why.  It's like I have less control.  Like those little tricks I've learned to help stop my PA's in their tracks.  But they aren't working.  I was thinking it might be because I'm on new birth control but I don't know.  I have a Doctors appointment next week and hopefully things will start to look up for me.  I just don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss being in control of my life.  I hate that its now controled by medications and panic attacks.  That I have missed out on birthday parties, holidays, date nights, bedtime stories.  I am no longer the friend, daughter, wife and mother I once was.  It's effected every facet of my life.  And I am just at the mercy of my PA/GAD.  

Even work... I've only been able to pull half days lately.  It sucks.  I feel like a failure.  I'll be feeling perfectly fine and then... WHAM! I get hit.  My hands shake, my forehead sweats and I can feel it creep up my chest and it gets hard to breathe.  My stomach starts to churn and... then its over.  A day, maybe two...  I try so hard to control it but I can't.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife, as a mother, as a person... what I'm doing, this isn't life.  This is not living.  This is merely getting by.  Day to day, never knowing what will be thrown at me.  I miss my husband.  Yes, he dotes on me, and takes care of me and does more for me than I could ever ever ask, but he deserves a wife.  Someone who can dote on him.  My daughter deserves that too.  But I feel like no matter  how hard I try, I can't get over this.  

No one wants it more than me.  I know it stresses Hubs out, my boss... my mom.  I forget, ya know, with all that is going on with me, about the people who depend on me and how much this is affecting them too.  I don't know what to do.  

*Sigh*

I just want to be me again.

*photo @ top courtesy of Photobucket.

A Sick Little Goose

My poor little one is sick. She has a fever and sore throat. She's been sleeping up a storm. I just wanna cuddle her and kiss it all better. But as with all things, this too shall pass.

I sure do hope that she gets better soon.  She may be obnoxious when she is feeling better, but I'd take that child any day over this mopey, sad, sick little beebs.

I have my child back!

Goose has been sick since WEdnesday. At first it was just a slight fever.  Then that moved to a higher fever then on Friday, she started to have goo leaking from her eyes and nose. Icky.  Still feverish and totally not my child.  She was crying at the drop of a hat, very sleepy and yet not sleeping through the night.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in days.  

So yesterday we took her to the Dr. and he said it was Conjunctivitis aka PINK EYE! Again! and Viral at that so there isn't an antibiotic they can give her.  Just Tylenol and Motrin.  

Last night wasn't any better.  Hubs and I just put her in our bed from the get go.  Me planning on sleeping on the couch and him in bed.  But she was still up every hour or so and I had Nemo running in a constant loop.  I don't think it was until about 6 that she went to sleep for good.  I got up at 9:30, finally tired of tossing and turning and Goose slept till 11.  

Let me tell you, its like she is a different child! She is playing nicely BY HERSELF in her kitchen having a picnic.  Her eyes look much better, the right one is still a little red and nose a little runny but her eyes are sparkling today.  Not that blank sick looking at nothing stare.  

So it seems, hopefully, that we are over the worst and Hubs and I are hoping she will sleep in her bed tonight.  All night.  

PS - I was able to score that green skirt I told you about on Friday!

Emergency Room

Well, its only been 2.5 years, it had to happen sooner or later and now is of time is any right? She spent the day with Grandma Lisa and was fine in the morning. She was even fine at 2 when Grandma came to pick her up. But by the time 6 o'clock rolled around and Grandma brought Goose home, all was not fine. She was listless and was running a huge fever. 102.5 I went into strict momma bear mode (despite the fact that I myself felt I could hurl at any moment), my baby needed me. Gave her a dose of Motrin, slathered her from head to toe in baby Vicks and listed too my poor baby wheeze as she lay limp in my arms. Those poor little eyes looking up at me for help.

I called the nurses line, 6:30pm Sunday night... the nurse told me it was too late to bring her to Urgent Care (they close at 7 of course) and to take her to the Emergency Room. Calling out orders to Hubs, I made him load the car... knowing in the back of my head, we should just wait for the Motrin to kick in and reassess the situation but I didn't. I had to ACT and now.

We piled into the car and got to the ER. And the staff was so nice and accommodating. We had her all bundled and she sat in that wheel chair like such a big brave girl!



I could already tell by the time the triage nurse saw us, that she was starting to perk back up a bit. She even found it in her to say "CHEESE" when I was trying to get her to take a sad picture (for effect, you know). What a goon.



But of course, once we saw the Doctor, she was fine. Couldn't get her to sit still. It was like the hospital bed was her own personal jungle gym. And the questions about EVERYTHING. "What does that say" "Why are those numbers(actually letters) purple?" "What is that hose?" "Why? "Why" "Why?" She really was a sport for the Doctor though (at least she listens to SOMEONE, even if its not me). She sat still as he listened to her heart and lungs. Opened wide and let him put a tongue depressor down her throat. She even let the nurse take her temperature under the tongue. The nurse said she can't even get SIX year olds to do that. It was my proud mommy moment.



Here we are waiting for the tech to come get us for x-rays. They were fine, showed a little "gunk" as the Dr. put it but nothing to worry about. I wanted to take a pic of her getting her x-rays but they wouldn't let me. She wasn't scared of the machine at all. Just followed their instructions like a champ!


The send us home with Amoxycillin and orders to all back if it gets worse or hasn't cleared up in a week. But today we are just fine (well, until I get the bill from the ER... yikes)

Here we are sick at home the next day. I hate to see her sick, but I just love how cuddly she is. I felt terrible for Hubs though, she wouldn't let him anywhere NEAR her. It just broke his heart (and mine for that matter b/c Daddy always makes me feel better). Also, meet Scofield (after Michael Scofield Prison Break). He is an outdoor cat but seems to think he lives in the house now. He is so cuddly sometimes I let him hang out. He was snuggling with Goose.



Pretending to be asleep so that I could take a picture. Goose loves me to take pics of "things" these days (anything really, everything is important to a 2 year old.) Oh, and do please excuse my ugly couch. It was a hand me down and its HIDEOUS but it is the MOST. COMFORTABLE. COUCH. EVER. Don't judge me. I will cover it one day, or beautify it some how, so help me! (if you have any tips PLEASE SHARE! It's a sectional couch).




TFL!

Yup

Still in glasses today.  No plan to wear my contacts tomorrow.  Not taking any chances.  Good night to you all!

For the record...

I am still wearing my glasses today and I will probably wear them all weekend. If I haven't got the pink eye by then, I think I'll be in the clear. Goose has been taking her drops for a couple of days now, so she shouldn't be contagious any more, but sorry, I'm not taking my chances!

Yup, its true...

Goose has the pink eye. Gross. I have to put drops in her eyes three times a day for the next five days. Do you havbe ANY idea how hard it is to get a TWO year old to let you put anything in her eyes? Yesterday when I gave her the drops, she did just fine, sat very still as I administered the "mes-in", that's "medicine" in toddler-talk. Even giggled as I dropped them in. This morning... notsomuch. She was not having any of it. After one failed attempt to do it myself, I had to call on my husband to give me a hand. We laid her on the floor and he pinned down her arms while I tried to hold her head still and put the drops in at the same time. Not so easy. She did alright though. Wipped her eyes off and gave me a look that would have made me drop dead if looks could kill.

But, mornings are never very good for us. Lets just say Goose isnt much of a morning person. She must get that from me. I've never been a morning person either. Given half a chance, I would sleep to noon everyday. Not that it's happened in the last 2 years since Goose was born, but I would in a heartbeat if I could. So take an already cranky 2 year old and pin them down and put stinging drops in their eyes and what do you get? I really cranky 2 year old with wet eyes who is now afraid that you will do it again and avoids you at all costs. That doesn't make it easy to get a coat on to go to Grandma's so Mommy won't be late for work. Yup, it was quite an eventful morning.

Ever since Google-ing Goose's symptoms yesterday I have been completely paranoid about my eyes. I DO NOT want to get it! NO! NOT AT ALL! I am already kinda freaky about my eyes. I wear contacts every day because I am too scared to get laser surgery. I am far to vain to wear my glasses (even if they are super cute Calvin Klein frames that look great on me) but I have worn them for the last 2 days. I don't want to touch my eyes if I don't have too. I have been washing my hands like crazy too. Every time I touch Goose or any of her toys. I am not getting the pink eye, at least I sure f-ing hope not!

The Goose is sick!

Starting on Monday, Goose woke up with her left eye swollen so bad she could only open it up half way.  By the time we headed out the door for daycare, it looked fine.  There was no pus or discoloring, just a little swelling.  When she woke up on Tuesday morning, it looked fine, just like normal.  But I noticed right before bed last night, her right eye was a little goopy in the corner.  Then this morning, when she woke up, her right eye was crusted shut and her left eye was also a little crusty.  Both her eyes are a little on the swollen side but her right one looks especially pink. 

Great.

Just what I need.

I called the doctor and made an appointment for 10:45, it was the earliest they had.  But that okay, I didn't really want to go to work this morning anyway.  

So, like any good mom with a computer, I went to Web MD to check out the symptoms.  It looks like it could either be a swollen tear duct or... pink eye.  I've never had pink eye.  I've never wanted to get pink eye.  But its extremely contagious and I have been wiping puss out of my daughter's eyes.  

Well, I suppose I should make the child breakfast.  I'll update later with the diagnosis!