Ready to Stop Fighting

Thank you, Jenny, The Bloggess for sharing this last night.

Ya know how sometimes the universe sends you a sign and tells you exactly the thing you need to hear?

Well, thats what this blog post was to me last night.

I read it and re-read it.

I cried harder each time. 

I needed to hear that I was wanted, broken or not.

Her words caused my soul to crumble and shook me to the core.

You're not alone.

I'm still working up the courage for a real, honest, deep post.

I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been a tremendous struggle.

There have been a lot of sleepless nights, even more tears...

But I am ready to be done.

Done fighting and ready to live!

Its Not So Bad Afterall

I feel so lucky for everything in my life right now.

And for the first time in a really long time

I feel like I am truly and genuinely

HAPPY.

*source*

Of course, let me say that right now we are in a tougher spot financially than we have ever been.  With the move and the fire and the cost to "rebuild" our lives; its been really really tough.  We are struggling.

But I'm not worried.  Because I am confident we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  My health is improving, I think its been over a month since I had a major panic attack WHOO HOO! New meds, new environment, new outlook on life.

I feel good.

I know this rough patch is temporary. We are saving so much money! Living on this side of town, Steve is able to bike and ride the bus to work. We cut our gas bill in half.  No more furnace. Water, sewer, and garbage included. A smaller yard. Family activities within walking distance. It just all feels better.  And with no computer, that means no paying for Internet, X-box live and Netflix. Although, I really miss Netflix!!!

Am I stressed? Yup.

Am I sad? Sometimes more, sometimes less.

As I unpack what we did get out, I feel overcome by happiness.  Each box contains something I thought was lost forever. In each box a little miracle.  But as the boxes dwindle, I am faced with the realization that there is so much we still do not have.  Each box is a reminder of what was destroyed.  As the number of boxes grow smaller, so do the little miracles.  The treasures. 

This weekend I found a box of Goose's coats that I thought were all left at the old house. And as I unpacked her boxes, I remembered her coat rack was still mounted to the wall outside her bedroom, with coats and pictures still on it.

I went through my scrapbooks and cried.

I remembered all of the large professional portraits we never had framed. They were still "safely" in their envelopes in my old craft room.  Saw remnants of Molly on nearly every page... a solitary hair clinging between the pages.  I didn't wipe them away. 

Hubs told me he felt the same way about the smell of our couch.

Musty old dog. Yum.

Okay, not really, but still Molly.

I had her first and last collar saved in my bedroom.

But they weren't "saved"

It kills me to think she is still at that old house, all alone.

But I have her leash. And some chew toys.

And a few stray hairs.

And a stinky couch..

It's quite a contradicting life I am living right now.

So happy and peaceful and yet so sad and stressful at the same time.

It's somewhat of a balancing act, but this time I'm not afraid to fall.

I'm not scared to be sad.

The stressful feeling isn't overwhelming.

I feel like I am dealing, transitioning, re-establishing who I really want to be.

Who I really AM.

I am setting some big goals.

And for the first time (in a really long time)

I feel like I'm going to complete them.

And not just that...

I am going to blow every one out of the water.

Open Letter - Probably TMI

Dear Panic Attacks:

I hate you.  I HATE you SO much.  I hate that you have a such a strong hold on my life.  I hate that I can't control it.  I'm afraid that I will never be "normal" without medication and Doctors and misery.

It seems like its been worse this past couple weeks and I don't know why.  It's like I have less control.  Like those little tricks I've learned to help stop my PA's in their tracks.  But they aren't working.  I was thinking it might be because I'm on new birth control but I don't know.  I have a Doctors appointment next week and hopefully things will start to look up for me.  I just don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss being in control of my life.  I hate that its now controled by medications and panic attacks.  That I have missed out on birthday parties, holidays, date nights, bedtime stories.  I am no longer the friend, daughter, wife and mother I once was.  It's effected every facet of my life.  And I am just at the mercy of my PA/GAD.  

Even work... I've only been able to pull half days lately.  It sucks.  I feel like a failure.  I'll be feeling perfectly fine and then... WHAM! I get hit.  My hands shake, my forehead sweats and I can feel it creep up my chest and it gets hard to breathe.  My stomach starts to churn and... then its over.  A day, maybe two...  I try so hard to control it but I can't.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife, as a mother, as a person... what I'm doing, this isn't life.  This is not living.  This is merely getting by.  Day to day, never knowing what will be thrown at me.  I miss my husband.  Yes, he dotes on me, and takes care of me and does more for me than I could ever ever ask, but he deserves a wife.  Someone who can dote on him.  My daughter deserves that too.  But I feel like no matter  how hard I try, I can't get over this.  

No one wants it more than me.  I know it stresses Hubs out, my boss... my mom.  I forget, ya know, with all that is going on with me, about the people who depend on me and how much this is affecting them too.  I don't know what to do.  

*Sigh*

I just want to be me again.

*photo @ top courtesy of Photobucket.

I have a Secret...

Pics via
www.postsecret.com

ETA - Hubs left this message on my Twitter, "He's not hoping or waiting for that girl to come back, he's hoping and waiting for her to realize the greatness of the woman she's become." I love him so much.

If I Ever Play Golf... and Other Friday Radom-ness

So... apparently I have some stuff to say today. Not, like, one coherent thought or anything (probably due to the hangover) just a bunch of random stuff. Such as:

• If I ever play golf, and I don't so I probably never will... I will wear this shirt.
  
  I got it at Ross on super-clearance for $2.99! Yeah, and I know its kinda ugly, but aren't all golf shirts? And I would want to wear it with some really cute kahki shorts that are so short they would probably get me kicked off the course. The folded down socks and a stark white visor. Every golf dudes wet dream, right? But Hubs doesn't golf... and like I said. I don't golf... but if I did, this is what I'd wear.
• Got more information about the car. Either it needs a new engine or we just need a new car. And at this point, we are still carrying the loan AND we have sunk about two grand into it in the last couple years. So.... I'm thinking the plan is to get a new car. We'll have to cut into our nest egg a bit, which sucks... cuz we really want to buy a house, but what other options do we have?
• I was on the radio yesterday! First time every. KISS 106.1 in Seattle. Talked about an embarrassing teenage indescretion of mine invloving Future Hubs, Vintage Kelsy, and a dad who came home from a work trip two days early. We were 16... and he mentioned it in out wedding toast. Klassy. But being on the radio was cool. The question was if you had ever caught your parents in the act... well, in my case it was the other way around. Ooops! Years later, still together, my dad turned to me and said, "Ya know, I like the guy... but sometimes I think it'd be funny just to punch him in the face." Yeah, he said that. About my future husband... they do get along now, even if still somewhat awkwardly. I mean, my dad has seen Hubs' bare ass. How could that NOT be at least kinda weird.
• Home is still a roller-coaster. But thanks to some understanding friends, some long talks, and really good advice, I think I'm getting my shit together. AND since I have had a small incling that my meds may no longer be working (with the help of some friends shaking some sense into me!) so I made an appointment to talk to the Doctor on Monday and see if we can review things.
• Goose has decided she will no longer let me dress her. So, this is what we left the house in...
  
  I take it in stride, cuz, just between you and me... I think she could do a lot worse!
• I made the skirt above. I think I mentioned before that I have been doing a lot of hand-sewing. It's just kinda, mindless, easy crafting that I can do sitting on the couch under a comfy blanket. I got the tutorial here. I got my towel from the Dollar Store. And I know mine isn't NEARLY as cute as the ones in the tutorial, but remember, I'm hand sewing tomorrow.
• Record high heats! YAY!
• On Monday. BOO!
• Friday's are awesome. I work a half day and today after I pick up Goose, we are gonna pick up Hubs and go to the Farmer's Market for lunch. And also to pick up some produce and fresh meat for dinner tonight.
• My PIC (Partner in Crime) is gonna come over this afternoon and hang out with Goose and I. We are gonna have a girls day. The last time PIC saw Goose, she was 18 months old I think? And WOW has she changed since then. She's no longer my baby (who am I kidding, she will always be my baby) she is a KID!!!'
• Car shopping on Saturday and Goose is gonna hang out with Goo Goo. I'm not excited. Which is weird, cuz I love shopping. But I hate shopping for cars. Especially with Hubs. Or maybe it's just men. I didn't really like car shopping with my dad either. It's the whole battle of the sexes thing, but really, there is nothing I despise more than walking around car lots smoozing with greasy salesmen.
• I found this cool tutorial today! I think I have the perfect yellow fabric too!
• So, I think that's all I have to say for now. Have a Happy Friday and a Merry Weekend!!!
• XOXO!

Why I am Worth Fighting For

**Due to the personal nature of the journaling, I'm not going to post any close ups of the journaling or anything.**

Nothing scandalous, so if you can read the tiny print, your eyes are insane. This is the project my counselor told me to work on. It now lives by my bed and I try to read it at least once a day to remind myself.

I also started another little journal, less formal (not as "scrappy") to write down all the things Hubs does to show he loves me. I forget/overlook/suck at acknowledging all the good he does, so I thought it would help (both him and I) realize how much love is there.

Anyway, the album... papers are all Jenni Bowlin and the embellies ate K&Co. Purty, purty stuff, I tell ya what!











TFL!!!

:( Bummer, Dude.

I had a play date set up for today and she blew me off.  For the second week in a row.  I am majorly bummed.  I feel like have no friends.

I'm going to throw myself a pitty party now.  

Hubs did say we could dye eggs after dinner tonight, but its really not the same.  I boiled 2 doz. eggs last night and was really looking forward to finally having a friend to hang out with.  (I have friends, just very few of them are mommies.)

It's really too bad too, since Goose and her son get along really well and I'm sure they would have had a blast.  I doubt I'll have any pictures to show off tomorrow.  

Bye for now. 

Vent, vent, vent

Get ready for this, I have a lot to say. Not trying to depress anybody, just want to get some stuff off my chest.

My dad came to the rescue yesterday (he owes me) and put some stop-leak stuff in my radiator. It seems to be leaking less. The ground is pretty wet though so its kinda hard to tell if its dripping. I have to check the coolant level every time I get in the car, but gotta do what I gotta do. Can't take the car in, can't miss work... and since both Hubs and I work (at different times in different places) being a one car family isn't really option for us.

I'm still not any closer to figuring out this daycare thing. I think I may ask a friend who is a SAHM right now if she can help but I don't know how excited she is about changing another diaper, kwim? Not that I blame her... one is hard enough. Bless the souls of you who have more. Despite the fact that I'm not a good pregnant person (we don't get along...) I just don't think I could handle another child without going insane.

I used to say that crazy people have more fun, and maybe that's true in some sense, but not when its the "why's" that are making you crazy. And I can't even drink right now b/c of the meds I'm on, so much for that relaxing glass of wine with dinner.

I don't really know where this post is headed, I'm just kinda letting my fingers do what they want with the keyboard.

I've been down a lot lately. Sibling problems... Did I tell you how I ruined Christmas? Probably not, and I will spare you the details, but lets just say I tried to keep my mouth shut but when a certain (drunk) someone who shall not be named couldn't shut theirs, I came unglued. I'm not proud, it wasn't pretty, and I'm still not over it.

Then I found out my health insurance was cancelled (via a letter from the insurance company and NOT from my boss) just days before both Goose and I had to make trips to the ER. Fantastic. At least we are double covered (through Hubs) so hopefully we won't pay too much out of pocket. Then no Christmas bonus (which I get, but again, my boss kinda omitted the fact that there would be no bonus) plus I am his only employee, so its no secret to me that we've been slow. But after 5 years of working for him, you'd think he would be a little more upfront with me.

And another thing... I am tired of people treating me like glass. Especially my mom and dad. With all this car business, I have been super stressed and each of them keep trying to baby me and make sure I don't get upset. I know that they are both scared of my "mental disorder" and I think its just from lack of understanding on their parts. I love them both and I know they are just worried about me but I think they forget that, despite the meds and the panic attacks and the anxiety... I'm still allowed to have bad days! I'm still allowed to cry. I'm not so fragile I'm going to break if I get upset. My car is f*cked up and I'm pissed about it. And if I want to cry b/c it's literally been one thing after another for the last 6 months, I'm allowed to do that right? Right?

I feel like I'm constantly playing catch up and it would be nice, if just for once, I could be ahead of the game. Know what I mean?

It seems like all of the men in my life have let me down at one time or another recently. Some are making amends... some aren't... I just have to keep on keeping on.

One analogy my counselor likes to use is this:

Imagine you are on a small stream, standing on the banks next to a tide pool. Down that stream float leaves and as they float past you, you pick them up. Each one represents something in your life. A person, a problem, a situation... anything. Now, if its something you can (and are willing) to deal with right now, you put that leaf in your pool, trying to hold onto as little as possible. Making sure to let go of the things you can't do anything about. Maybe those problems will come back later on, floating by, but its your choice to pick it up. Its your choice to hold on to it.

I think about that all the time. And, at least for me, it's a great way to put my life in perspective. To be able to acknowledge that these things exist in my life that I can do nothing about and just LET GO. Let. Go. Two words, five letters, seems so simple and yet... here we are.



PS - Carolyn wrote a great post today about the inauguration that makes me want to give my husband a big ole kiss. I love the way she writes and I constantly turn to her blog when I need a new (and usually humorous) perspective on life and motherhood!

Very Bad Days

Hubs dragged my ass to the ER on Saturday night after not being able to eat or hold anything down since Thursday morning. The ER doctor was not convinced that GAD/PA is the cause and ran several tests. In my delirium I think I remember a SAT scan and an ultra sound. No, I definitely remember the CAT scan, how could I forget that. I couldn't eat or drink anything without it coming back up but I had to drink like 40oz of this nasty milky (contrast) as they called it. SO they had to put an NG tube down my nose. I don't know if you have every had one... but it was the single most painful experience of my whole life. After listening to me wail for what seemed like forever they finally looked INSIDE my not to make sure the fucker would fit. Well, wouldn't you know it, IT WAS TOO BIG! So they tried a child's size one and that seemed to go much better. Still lots of pain, but nothing like before. Then I had to sit with that thing in my nose for 2 hours so they could dump this nasty shit down my throat. Ugh!

The nurses tried to joke, that it couldn't be THAT painful, I mean, I didn't have a baby. Sorry lady, but I don't know if you've heard of it... but they have this thing called an epidural, you can't feel ANYTHING. They didn't have that for my NOSE. So, YES it WAS more painful!

So I am supposed to call a Gastroentorologist today but honestly I don't even know anymore. Is it in my head? Is it something "real?" I almost wish I was pregnant (and that is saying ALOT coming from someone who is ONE AND DONE). At least then I would have a good reason for being sick again. Plus, babies are always such a blessing... and then I would know it would all be over in 9 months.

I guess I am just kinda scared that even after the meds have gotten to a point where the symptoms are manageable, this will still and always be in my head. That scares the shit out of me. I just want my normal life.

Anyway, its just about time for lunch and I have learned that the better I tend to eat, the better day I tend to have. You'd think if it was only that simple how hard could it be, right?

More than you know!

Bedtime Thoughts

Sitting here, with a cat in my lap, my eyes growing tired and I think I may go to bed after this, but I thought I would leave you with a little memory I have. Its something I think of every night before I go to sleep. Its something that helps me relax and drift off into the land of Nod.

I remember when I was very young, my brother, dad and I were camping in the backyard. We had the tent set up in the far part of the yard, under the trees. I'm sure we roasted marshmallows in a makeshift fire pit (i.e. old metal BBQ). It was late and the three of us were tucked into our sleeping bags, my dad conveniently positioned in between my brother and I. You know, to stop those inevitable fights.

"Kelsy? Are you awake" my little brother whispered to me in the dark/

"Yes" I answered.

"I can't sleep, I'm scared." He said to me. In the silence all you could hear were crickets and maybe some bats and the gentle rustling of the trees in the breeze.

I told him to breath in through his nose and out through he mouth as deeply and slowly as he could. To think about his breathing and not about the noises outside of the tent. That eventually he would be alseep and wouldn't even know it.

We breathed together a while, me coaxing him "in... out... in... out..." until eventually my voice faded to silence and we both drifted off to sleep.

I didn't learn until may years later that my dad happened to be awake for the entire exchanged. That he hadn't wanted to interrupt such a tender moment between the two of us, since they were so few and far between.

I think about this alot. Not just when I go to bed, but any time I breath deeply. Practicing those techniques my therapist (oh man, I feel terribly pretentious saying that!) is trying to convince me will get me through those panic attacks. I think about those simple times, camping in the back yard and I yearn to get back to that. To a time when my brother looked up to me and valued my advice. I time when I was able to comfort him.

But things aren't the same and times have changed. But I can still hang onto those happy places when I drift off to sleep.

Saturday Night SUCKED!

I had a panic attack on Saturday night. At Walmart. In the parking lot. It was wonderful. Please note the sarcasm dripping off that last word there. I was feeling fine, Goose had just got to bed and I was planning on printing pictures all night. Hubs was having his BFF (inside joke)come over and they were going to have a loser gamer night.

So anyway, I was going to print pictures. Just got some new ink for my printer and then I realized I didn't have photo paper! Well, its not that I don't have any, it was more that I couldn't find it. So off to Walmart I went.

Did my shopping, it was a relativly quick trip in and out. I knew what I wanted. And then it started, out of no where it hit me. The sweat on the brow, the hot pricklys down my arms. My pace quickened and I hurried to the check out. Thank God for self-check out. I don't think I could have spoken to any one at that point.

I pay and head for the door. My head was down, I was almost running, almost took out an employee in the process. And then I realized I went out the wrong door and was parked on the other side of the parking lot. I was moving as fast as I could (in slippers, yes I wore slippers to WM in the middle of the night, I am a fashion goddess, I know... I was also in jammie pants) and I finally get to my car.

I get in the seat and blast the heat. Sometimes, heat helps dissapate my anxiety. At one point I called my husband to let him know I was alive and what was going on, ya know, not to expect me any time soon.

My heart was pounding and I felt nauseaus. Let me explain what thats like for me. Imagine your stomach is a bingo machine, the big metal balls with the crank and the wooden numbers clank around and around. Thats what my stomach feels like and its everything I can do to stop my self from throwing up. And why not just let my self throw up, you ask? Its because once I start, I can't stop. I can't eat. I try to breath, but its like I can't take in enough air. My heart pounds like its running out of blood... its terrible.

I open my eyes and it feels like only minutes later and I am drenched with sweat, the heat on the car is still blaring and I discovered I had been sitting there for over an hour. Not feeling any better, I know I just need to get home so I drive, probably very erratically, the entire way home. Which thankfully is only like five minutes.

Hubs called as I was pulling in the drive way. I ran in the house and went straight for the shower. Sometimes its the only thing that helps. The warm water running over my back, I stayed in until the water ran cold. Then still wrapped in a towel I went to sleep. Spent most of Sunday in bed too. Unfortunately my panic attacks are more of a knock me on my ass for several days kinda thing.

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I am chosing to talk about something so personal and its been a really tough choice for me. But I think what it came down to is not that I want to talk about it. Believe me, I don't WANT to talk about this. Its scary and painful and I don't even fully understand what it is I'm going through. It's more that I HAVE to talk about it. To feel less alone, maybe. To know, that I am not the only one going through this. Maybe to help someone else feel not as alone too.

I just need to talk about it.

Honesty.

I have struggled for a long time about how honest I want to be on this blog. Do I want to keep it strictly craftworty? Obviously, I can't talk about the crafts without talking about this kid b/c well, without her, what woulI craft? Or do I want to delve into a deeper layer of my self and do I really want to share that with the world?

But I finally can to the conclusion that this blog is call a "Crafty Mom's World" and my world is so much bigger than the stuff I create and my profile even says I try to live as honeltly as possible, And since we are on the subject or honestly, I have to say that things have not been going so great in my world.

Not money wise, not with the Hubs, and definitely not with Goose (although she has been sick since Sunday night and it is the most pitiful thing you have ever seen. It even warranted a trip to the emergency room, but we were FINE before the Dr. even saw us, funny how that works.) everythiong is pretty giood but just with me in general.

I have been dealing with a great deal of anxiety and panic attacks. I can't explain it, but since August, things have just spiraled out of control. My panic attacks cause me to be nauseous and throw up and as a result I have lot over 35lbs. I haven't weight this since high school. (But I did convince Hubs, sort of, that its good that I didn't throw anyway any of my skinny clothes b/c I actually have cute stuff to wear. LOL)

IF you have never had a panic attack, its an extremely isolating and scary thing. It got to the point where I wasn't eating and couldn't get out of bed. As you can imagine, my work suffered, my family suffered. Try explaining to a 2 year old why mommy is sick again!? And my husband, god bless my husband, because he has been my rock thorough this all. Always trying to please, and make me feel better when there was little he could do. He drew my bath before I had to ask and has been the most amazing father through it all. I love him so much and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

Anyway I finally took the plunge and saw a Doctor. Well, a Dr. and a counselor and I am on some meds that hopefully once they start working I should be back on track. One of them I am taking has already started to kick in and I can already feel a little more upbeat. For a while there it was hard to see the light at the end of tunnel, I didn't think there was one.

So there it is... all on the line. More that I have every shared with anyone before. I'm not used to being this raw with things, this honest. I don't like to talk about my self, not the deep personal stuff. I'm private, I'm the strong one. But I even say in my profile that I try to life as honestly as possible and I think that not being honest about this was tearing me up inside. I had this secret that I desperately needed to talk about but was too scared too. For what reason I don't know, scared I suppose. Scared people would judge me, scared that people would think I am crazy.

Rationally I know this is silly but in my head... in my heart... its not that easy. I finally came clean to my whole family. My mom is accepting although she would rather believe that its physical not mental, my dad thought I was bulimic but they are both understanding and worried and willing to do anything to help.

Even my boss has been a huge help/ I'm glad we work in the type of law we work in (employment) b/c he has a great understanding of anxiety/depression and has been completely wonderful and supportive and is just focused on getting me better. I've worked for him for 5 years (almost exactly) and he knows what I am capalbe of.

SO thank you for all taking the time to read this, I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to be honest about it all. My plan is, at least now that I am feeling a little better is to be blogging a little more. Maybe more day to day, just so I can get things off my chest. I'm tired about being too scared to talk about what I am really feeling and it people can identify with what I say, great, I hope I can help someone.

AND don't worry!!! I am not going to stop crafting! I haven't crafted in a while, but I miss it. I SO MISS BEING CREATVE!! I'll probably be posting lots of pictures over the next while or so. AND!!!!!! I am still starting an Etsy shoppe, I've just been hiatus with that like ever thing else!



ETA - Linked this up to Tip Junkie as my favorite blog post (on your own blog) of 2008. I chose this post, b/c I think it marks a time in my blogging "career" when I started to take it seriously and realizing that I needed to let people get to know the real me. I feel like this post let me get past my fears that people wouldn't like me and that even if I'm the only one reading my blog... thats okay!