Ready to Stop Fighting

Thank you, Jenny, The Bloggess for sharing this last night.

Ya know how sometimes the universe sends you a sign and tells you exactly the thing you need to hear?

Well, thats what this blog post was to me last night.

I read it and re-read it.

I cried harder each time. 

I needed to hear that I was wanted, broken or not.

Her words caused my soul to crumble and shook me to the core.

You're not alone.

I'm still working up the courage for a real, honest, deep post.

I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been a tremendous struggle.

There have been a lot of sleepless nights, even more tears...

But I am ready to be done.

Done fighting and ready to live!

We Sleep on Couches

I got a call early on Monday morning.

It was a woman's voice, calling from the Fire Dept.

She wanted to know if we were okay.

Our house was on fire.

Not our new house.

The one we just moved out of.

That very weekend.

Sunday night had been the second night we slept there.

Steve had just told Goose that she never had to sleep in the old house ever again.

We even made the news.

Although, not for any reason I would have liked.

Looking in the front entry, into the living room.

The side of the house, also looking into the living room.

There used to be a second story... its now in the living room.

This picture and the next one haunt me most.

They are the bedrooms.

What if we had been there?

What if?

What if?

So many "what ifs"?

We still had not moved our beds, the big screen, or the computers.

There was still lots of stuff in storage in the attic.

Everything in the kitchen and bathroom was lost.

There are no more magnets or artwork on my fridge.

But the scrapbooks are safe.

And so is the camera.

And most importantly,

Steve, Goose and I are safe.

We weren't there.

Everything lost was just stuff.

(I am still devastated, I even have an "In Memoriam" post planned.)

But we are blessed. We got SO lucky.

I have been counting my many blessings.

Hugging my daughter tighter.

Sending love to everyone I know.

Because they have all stepped up to give us a hand.

I feel so very lucky.

Except for the fact that we will be sleeping on our couch for a while.

Craft x NW Recap

Craft x NW can be described in one word:

DISASTER!

BUT...

Now I know what I need to do next time. 

Cuz there will be a next time.

Hubs was (and still is) sick, and I was having a bad week.

All this stress with moving and the craft fair really got to me.

So already things were not looking so hot for me.

I was a man down AND my IL's took the canopy/tent with them.

(How dare they!? It only belongs to them. ;"P)

I was supposed to get downtown to set up at 2 and I didn't get there until a quarter to 4.

The fair started at 4:00 pm!

Then, 

it started to rain.

So there I was...

by myself...

with no tent...

in the rain.

I set up my display and started to get soaked.

People walked by and looked sorry for me.

I wanted to cry.

Then I got my first customer. 

:)

And realized that the $20 in change I had brought with me was no longer in my pocket.

:(

$!@#%&!#$!!!

It rained harder.

I couldn't take any pictures.

I cried.

Then a wonderful girl took pity on me and invited me into her tent.

I was literally seconds from leaving when she stopped by. (And it was only 5!)

Her name was Molly.

We carried my displays through the rain and Molly and her friends (Emily and Emily, the "Deer soap" girl) graciously made space for me in their tent. 

Piel de Miel. That's the name of their business.

They don't have a website yet or I would link you up.

Molly and Emily make lip balms and face scubs and other body treats with organic and local ingredients and Emily makes (deer) soap.

All three of them were beautiful and amazing! And I am so so very thankful they took pity on me. I really couldn't have done it without them. 

I didn't make it the whole night. I only stayed until about 7:30 and I was supposed to stay until 9 pm. 

I tried to stay as long as possible but by the end of the day I was spent.

I made about $30 though. And my booth spot cost $30, so I broke even on that.

(Unless you count the $20 I lost...)

And despite feeling like a complete failure, I feel like I owe it to myself to go back and do this again.

I can't give up!!!

The organizer of Craft x NW is planning to do this every second Saturday of the month from June-September.

I don't know the cost yet, but I hope to be able to participate. 

Now, I know what I need to do to be prepared.  

And it shouldn't rain as much this summer.

AND

I will be investing in a tent!

One Big KISS

Jackie and Bender's 9th Annual

ONE BIG KISS

for Seattle Children's Hospital

Every year, my favorite radio station has a two day radiothon to raise money for the Uncompensated Care Fund.  Which means the money donated is put into a special fund so that NO CHILD will ever be turned away for treatment, regardless of their families ability to pay.

Seattle Children's Hospital features state of the art care by some of the leading Doctors in the country.

These Doctors are so committed to their cause they treat their patients as if they were their own children.

My family has never required such care, and I hope we never do.

But...

I still give. 

$5, $10, $20.

Every year.

Whatever I can manage.

No matter how little.

Every penny helps!

I give for the children I know that are healthy.

I give for the children that are not.

The children that are missing out on their childhood.

"Such little people shouldn't have to deal with such big problems"

~KISS 106.1 Listener

So, if you can... I ask that you tune your internet radios to KISS 106.1 and listen to their inspirational, hopeful and heartbreaking stories. And if you can, GIVE!

I realize that this blog reaches a worldwide audience, so I know you may not be inclined to give to Seattle Children's.  So use this opprotunity to give to children in your area.

But also keep in mind, Seattle Children's is one of the leading children's hospitals in the country.

They have even recently opened a state of the art Autism Treatment Center.

All I'm saying, is you never know.

It could be your child.

A neice or nephew.

Cousin. Grandchild.

No one want to believe it can happen to them.

And maybe it won't.

Still...

Please give!

Here's how to donate:: <-- this link will take you to the donation site!
1.Through our secure online donation page hosted by Seattle Children's. The page walks you through the process -- it's easy!
2.Call 206-987-1061 or 1-866-987-1061 and donate to our volunteer team RIGHT NOW. We'll even read your name or your loved one's name on the air if you want us to! :-)
3.Bid on any one of our GREAT pieces of music memorabilia at our EBay Store!
 

Radiothon ends tonight at 7 p.m. PST!

PS - It is my intention/desire/hope to be able to donate some items for the Auction next year. Perhaps a custom mini album or 12x12 scrapbook. Or maybe even one of my nifty guest books. Or a memory box. Or maybe all four. It IS for a good cause, afterall!

Molly, I miss you!

Molly
December 29, 2001 to December 16, 2009

My beloved furbaby passed away yesterday at about 2 in the morning. She was my first baby. I've had her ever since I moved out after I graduated. Her mother is my mom's dog and I remember picking her out of the litter as my own the first time I ever saw her.

She was sleek black and the only one with white markings on her chest and toes.

Molly loved to chase balls. Not just balls, but anything round, or throw-able. Sticks, soda bottles, rope... bubbles, (God, the bubbles. I hope there are bubbles in doggie heaven). Balloons and "the light" made her batty. Before Goose was born, she was SO spoiled. She loved to get dressed up and wear her pretties (scarves/handkerchiefs).

This dog wanted nothing more than to play. She would run and run until she was panting and her legs would shake. Molly loved water and going to the beach to chase sticks. She loved going for walks with Goose and I, although she never did great on a leash.

When she was younger, we let her sleep in bed with us. She would sleep right at my feet, curled in a ball. And when I was sick, she would lay with me as if she knew. She loved to wrestle around the bed, covered in blankets, trying to "give kisses" to me or Hubs or Goose.

Molly was so good with Goose. Never bit her, not once, though it would have been deserved the way Goose would torment her so. She put up with a lot and still loved her. The day she died, her tail wagged so hard when we came home and she just laid there as Goose smothered her with hugs and kisses.

She wasn't alone when she went. Hubs was right by her side as her breathing slowed and she peacefully passed on.

I had her and loved her for 8 years. In the past year or so, she had begun to had hip problems (common for labs) and I recently noticed cataracts growing in her eyes. I hope she wasn't in too much pain before she went and I know where she is now, she feels no pain at all.

Molly, you were my best friend.
You got me through a lot of tough times and I will miss you SO MUCH.

Love you Mo-Dizz!
Love, Mama

Open Letter - Probably TMI

Dear Panic Attacks:

I hate you.  I HATE you SO much.  I hate that you have a such a strong hold on my life.  I hate that I can't control it.  I'm afraid that I will never be "normal" without medication and Doctors and misery.

It seems like its been worse this past couple weeks and I don't know why.  It's like I have less control.  Like those little tricks I've learned to help stop my PA's in their tracks.  But they aren't working.  I was thinking it might be because I'm on new birth control but I don't know.  I have a Doctors appointment next week and hopefully things will start to look up for me.  I just don't know what to expect anymore.

I miss being in control of my life.  I hate that its now controled by medications and panic attacks.  That I have missed out on birthday parties, holidays, date nights, bedtime stories.  I am no longer the friend, daughter, wife and mother I once was.  It's effected every facet of my life.  And I am just at the mercy of my PA/GAD.  

Even work... I've only been able to pull half days lately.  It sucks.  I feel like a failure.  I'll be feeling perfectly fine and then... WHAM! I get hit.  My hands shake, my forehead sweats and I can feel it creep up my chest and it gets hard to breathe.  My stomach starts to churn and... then its over.  A day, maybe two...  I try so hard to control it but I can't.

I feel like a failure.  As a wife, as a mother, as a person... what I'm doing, this isn't life.  This is not living.  This is merely getting by.  Day to day, never knowing what will be thrown at me.  I miss my husband.  Yes, he dotes on me, and takes care of me and does more for me than I could ever ever ask, but he deserves a wife.  Someone who can dote on him.  My daughter deserves that too.  But I feel like no matter  how hard I try, I can't get over this.  

No one wants it more than me.  I know it stresses Hubs out, my boss... my mom.  I forget, ya know, with all that is going on with me, about the people who depend on me and how much this is affecting them too.  I don't know what to do.  

*Sigh*

I just want to be me again.

*photo @ top courtesy of Photobucket.

Today...

I am really missing my online friends.

Could really use some girlfriends to talk to right now. Being kicked out, sorry, "suspended" from the club really sucks.

I know I've been MIA for a while, but I have been waiting and waiting to feel better so I could go back, hang out and scrap... and now I can't.

:::sigh:::

It makes me really sad. I just miss them alot.
:(

Weekend Redux - in Bullets

Friday

• I did not go to Funk Junk on Friday. Be proud. This is a big deal.
• Went shopping in my mom's closest and found some cool outfits that no longer fit her. I love "shopping"
• Power is shut of due to some miscommunitcation between Hubs and I. It was turned back on that t, but it really sucked to come home to a sweltering house with a three year old and no TV.
• We had plans to go out together, but our normal sitters were all busy so I ended up having a ladies night. That was awesome.
• I think, no... I'm pretty sure I did brake my toe. Ouch. Flip flops, drunken-ness and crowded bars are not a good idea.
• My best friend/maid of honor/partner in crime, Kristin, moved back to town. Giddy happieness! Love that girl so much and I am so happy she is home. She's my favorite.

Saturday

• Got home at 4am. BFF and I had to stop for pie at Sherri's after leaving the bar. Well, she had breakfast... I had pie.
• Hubs was not in the mood when I got home. Disappointing.
• But he did let me sleep off my hangover.
• Took Goose to Lakefair and she had a blast. This year she was actually tall enough to ride the rides. It was awesome. Daddy and I took turns going with her. She's still not a fan of the roller coaster though.
• Naptime!
• Got a sitter. Time to pre-funk.
• Hubs and I went down town (together!) and hit up the fair food. I ate an elephant ear. YUMMY!
• Then we went to a bar... got a drink... then hit up Jake's for polish dogs. YUMMY!
• Met Sam at the Royal and drank too much. Got naughty in the corner booth.
• Car died literally as we were pulling into the driveway.

Sunday

• HUNGOVER! UGH! Not able to function like a living person until about noon.
• Make lunch for Goose then go for a walk around the 'Hood.
• Painted our toes, ate popscicles, played in the sprinkler, and lounged in the sun.
• Naptime! For all three of us.
• Hubs and I remember the car troubles so we go to take a look. He checks fluids, oil is low so he fills it with 5qts. Damn.
• Turn the car on the leave to go to my IL's for dinner. Car is literally pissing oil. 5qts... all over my driveway. Nice.
• Hubs calls AAA.
• Tow driver comes, jacks it up then decides that the problem is the oil filter is loose. Okay.... I'm no expert on cars but to me that sounds indicitive of a bigger problem. I vote that it be taken to the shop anyway. I'm outvoted.
• Car drives home from the store w/ a new oil filter and seems fine.

Monday

• Hubs goes into work at 6, car drives fine. Comes back home at 8 to pick me up and take me to work.
• Sitter (Hubs bro) arrives and we get in the car to leave. Won't start. Sounds like a dead battery.
• Try to jump my car with Bro's truck and it makes a noise I have never heard in my life.
• FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
• Why did no one listen when I said we should still take it to the shop w/ the tow truck last night?
• FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
• Got a ride from Bro to work... still gonna need to find a ride home. Got 'till 5 to figure that out though!
• Hoping today improves... can't go anywhere but up... right?

I took lots of pics at the fair when we took Goose, so be on the look out for that in the near future!

POST-EDIT: At least I did get some good loving from Hubs. Realy good loving. That is always fun, especially last night... maybe that's why I am so tired today.

I'm SO SORRY!

I love you.

:( Bummer, Dude.

I had a play date set up for today and she blew me off.  For the second week in a row.  I am majorly bummed.  I feel like have no friends.

I'm going to throw myself a pitty party now.  

Hubs did say we could dye eggs after dinner tonight, but its really not the same.  I boiled 2 doz. eggs last night and was really looking forward to finally having a friend to hang out with.  (I have friends, just very few of them are mommies.)

It's really too bad too, since Goose and her son get along really well and I'm sure they would have had a blast.  I doubt I'll have any pictures to show off tomorrow.  

Bye for now. 

In and Out

No, not the burger place, although, even at 10 am a big juicy burger sounds AMAZING!

No, I'm talking about the computer.

It's still randomly turning off, then not turning back on. And then it will turn back on. But only when Hubs does it. Maybe he is the magic one.

Sad.

Right now, its working so at least thats a plus. You know how I hate being without my Internetz.

Especially when Hubs is gone. He had to go to P-land (Portland, OR) to drop of his ATV engine with some guy on his Raptor forum that is doing something to it. Hubs told me, but anytime he starts talking ATV, my eyes glaze over and my brain goes numb. He feels the same about my craftin' so we are all good. LOL.

Anyway, got a friend and her 3yo son coming over today and we are going to dye eggs, drink coffee (for us) and Capri Sun (for the kids) and hang out. And I think once the movie (Tinkerbell, have you seen it? It's TOO CUTE!) that we are watching is over, we might go outside.

It's finally sunny! It's supposed to break 60 degrees today. WeeeEEEEeeeeE! I love the sun, time to break out the flip flops.

I plan on taking lots of pics and reporting back to you all tomorrow. That is, at least, if I can keep the 'puter working long enough to upload pics. LOL!

Good-ish News

The computer at home is working.

For now. Sort of.

We still don't know what is/was wrong with it. I hope it fixed itself (super computer?) or that I really do have magic hands.

Keep ya posted!

An Unexpected Vacation

Hubs just called me at work to tell me that our computer at home won't turn on.

When he tries to turn it on, it goes to the gray loading screen then shuts back off. So... I may be taking a short little break from blogging while we figure out whats wrong with the computer and somehow find the money to fix it. Because yall, I can't live without my internetz!

Sure I can still blog from work, but I can't upload any pics or anything, so I can't really share any projects unless you all mind crappy cell phone pics. (And I really hope you don't!)

Be on the look out for lots of Twittering, or is it Tweeting? Whatever! LOL! Anyway, I will probably be doing lots of it since I can just do that via text from my phone.

Please cross your fingers for me that Hubs is just missing something (he really isn't that observant so it wouldn't be the first time) and that my Mac will be magically working by the time I get home in about an hour.

Or that I will be so awesome that all I have to do is lay my hands on it and it will turn on, but I doubt it. Today hasn't really been my day for technology, no really, just ask BOTH of my copy machines at work!

Wordless Wednesday...

Actually, I have a lot I would like to say right now.

But I want to say it to Hubs and none of it is very nice. I might even cry. So rather than expose all of our dirty laundry (oh wait... you've already seen my laundry... LOL) I'll leave you with some pics of the LO I got done last night while I was avoiding Hubs.

Besides, my mother always told me "if you can't say something nice, it's better to say nothing at all." And I did say a lot yesterday so... here you are!





Hope you all have a pleasant day!

This sux!

Adding to the suck-age (yes, its a word, why? b/c I said so) of my day I learned today that Goose's daycare is no longer accepting part-timers. So, we are on 2 week notice to find her a new daycare.

I'm pissed.

I really like it there and Goose loves her friends there.

I'm sad.

Don't really know what we are going to do now, I guess nothing to do but shop around for a new daycare.

*sigh*

F*CK!

My car is broken... again.

Hubs and I are lucky enough to know a mechanic (close family friend of Hubs' parents and by default us as well) who will let us make payments on the work we've had done on the car, and cut us any deals he can... but for the last year it has been nothing but problems with my car!

First it was tires in March. Fine, routine, okay. Then, it was a tie rod this summer. Then in October it was the timing belt and the water pump. Now, it's something with the radiator.

We can't take it in yet though b/c we still haven't paid off the work he did last time. I want to cry.

We are still not even caught up from Christmas. I didn't get my bonus this year (nor did my boss tell me he wasn't giving me a bonus, I'm his only employee... and my health insurance was cancelled), I know we've been slow but I've gotten one the last 5 years so I was kinda counting on that money.

Oh, and my tabs are expired (last month) and we haven't had the money to get new ones b/c of all this random sh*t. Grrr... so not a happy camper today.

At least my car is still driveable as long as I don't let it overheat. So as long as I carry 2gals of water in the car at all times, I think I can still make it to and from work with no problems... at least for now... I hope...



PS - Good news to look forward to tonight... new LOST!!! My TV will be tuned in and ready, how about you? Any other LOST junkies out there? Whoo Hoo!

I know, I know...

I owe you a birthday post. And I have one planned... as soon as I can figure out how to get the pics off my camera. My card reader doesn't work with this type of card and the USB cord didn't work. In fact, the only program that even acknowledged it existed was iPhoto, which I would rather not use b/c it makes the computer slow. Even the software that came with it didn't recognize it. Grrrr...... I just don't know what to do. It's a Nikon D60 and I have a Mac, anyone out there with tips for me?

Thanks!

Very Bad Days

Hubs dragged my ass to the ER on Saturday night after not being able to eat or hold anything down since Thursday morning. The ER doctor was not convinced that GAD/PA is the cause and ran several tests. In my delirium I think I remember a SAT scan and an ultra sound. No, I definitely remember the CAT scan, how could I forget that. I couldn't eat or drink anything without it coming back up but I had to drink like 40oz of this nasty milky (contrast) as they called it. SO they had to put an NG tube down my nose. I don't know if you have every had one... but it was the single most painful experience of my whole life. After listening to me wail for what seemed like forever they finally looked INSIDE my not to make sure the fucker would fit. Well, wouldn't you know it, IT WAS TOO BIG! So they tried a child's size one and that seemed to go much better. Still lots of pain, but nothing like before. Then I had to sit with that thing in my nose for 2 hours so they could dump this nasty shit down my throat. Ugh!

The nurses tried to joke, that it couldn't be THAT painful, I mean, I didn't have a baby. Sorry lady, but I don't know if you've heard of it... but they have this thing called an epidural, you can't feel ANYTHING. They didn't have that for my NOSE. So, YES it WAS more painful!

So I am supposed to call a Gastroentorologist today but honestly I don't even know anymore. Is it in my head? Is it something "real?" I almost wish I was pregnant (and that is saying ALOT coming from someone who is ONE AND DONE). At least then I would have a good reason for being sick again. Plus, babies are always such a blessing... and then I would know it would all be over in 9 months.

I guess I am just kinda scared that even after the meds have gotten to a point where the symptoms are manageable, this will still and always be in my head. That scares the shit out of me. I just want my normal life.

Anyway, its just about time for lunch and I have learned that the better I tend to eat, the better day I tend to have. You'd think if it was only that simple how hard could it be, right?

More than you know!

F*ck F*ck F*ck

My camera is broken. I think my life is over. Its just a crappy point and shoot (and I am hoping wishing praying) for a new camera for Christmas even though we can't afford it (mainly because I want this and really don't want to settle for less than a DSLR. I think I may try throwing it on the ground a couple of times, or blowing into it, but I think my cameras life is over. NOW what am I going to do.

I was up all night working on stuff for my Etsy and now I can't take pictures of any of it. CRAP! Grrrrr. I am so pissed. Thank God its lunch time. I need a break. I think I may go wander around Big Lots for a while. Don't need anything but I love that store. No actually, I take that back... I do need conditioner, so there.

Saturday Night SUCKED!

I had a panic attack on Saturday night. At Walmart. In the parking lot. It was wonderful. Please note the sarcasm dripping off that last word there. I was feeling fine, Goose had just got to bed and I was planning on printing pictures all night. Hubs was having his BFF (inside joke)come over and they were going to have a loser gamer night.

So anyway, I was going to print pictures. Just got some new ink for my printer and then I realized I didn't have photo paper! Well, its not that I don't have any, it was more that I couldn't find it. So off to Walmart I went.

Did my shopping, it was a relativly quick trip in and out. I knew what I wanted. And then it started, out of no where it hit me. The sweat on the brow, the hot pricklys down my arms. My pace quickened and I hurried to the check out. Thank God for self-check out. I don't think I could have spoken to any one at that point.

I pay and head for the door. My head was down, I was almost running, almost took out an employee in the process. And then I realized I went out the wrong door and was parked on the other side of the parking lot. I was moving as fast as I could (in slippers, yes I wore slippers to WM in the middle of the night, I am a fashion goddess, I know... I was also in jammie pants) and I finally get to my car.

I get in the seat and blast the heat. Sometimes, heat helps dissapate my anxiety. At one point I called my husband to let him know I was alive and what was going on, ya know, not to expect me any time soon.

My heart was pounding and I felt nauseaus. Let me explain what thats like for me. Imagine your stomach is a bingo machine, the big metal balls with the crank and the wooden numbers clank around and around. Thats what my stomach feels like and its everything I can do to stop my self from throwing up. And why not just let my self throw up, you ask? Its because once I start, I can't stop. I can't eat. I try to breath, but its like I can't take in enough air. My heart pounds like its running out of blood... its terrible.

I open my eyes and it feels like only minutes later and I am drenched with sweat, the heat on the car is still blaring and I discovered I had been sitting there for over an hour. Not feeling any better, I know I just need to get home so I drive, probably very erratically, the entire way home. Which thankfully is only like five minutes.

Hubs called as I was pulling in the drive way. I ran in the house and went straight for the shower. Sometimes its the only thing that helps. The warm water running over my back, I stayed in until the water ran cold. Then still wrapped in a towel I went to sleep. Spent most of Sunday in bed too. Unfortunately my panic attacks are more of a knock me on my ass for several days kinda thing.

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I am chosing to talk about something so personal and its been a really tough choice for me. But I think what it came down to is not that I want to talk about it. Believe me, I don't WANT to talk about this. Its scary and painful and I don't even fully understand what it is I'm going through. It's more that I HAVE to talk about it. To feel less alone, maybe. To know, that I am not the only one going through this. Maybe to help someone else feel not as alone too.

I just need to talk about it.