Its Not So Bad Afterall

I feel so lucky for everything in my life right now.

And for the first time in a really long time

I feel like I am truly and genuinely

HAPPY.

*source*

Of course, let me say that right now we are in a tougher spot financially than we have ever been.  With the move and the fire and the cost to "rebuild" our lives; its been really really tough.  We are struggling.

But I'm not worried.  Because I am confident we are doing exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  My health is improving, I think its been over a month since I had a major panic attack WHOO HOO! New meds, new environment, new outlook on life.

I feel good.

I know this rough patch is temporary. We are saving so much money! Living on this side of town, Steve is able to bike and ride the bus to work. We cut our gas bill in half.  No more furnace. Water, sewer, and garbage included. A smaller yard. Family activities within walking distance. It just all feels better.  And with no computer, that means no paying for Internet, X-box live and Netflix. Although, I really miss Netflix!!!

Am I stressed? Yup.

Am I sad? Sometimes more, sometimes less.

As I unpack what we did get out, I feel overcome by happiness.  Each box contains something I thought was lost forever. In each box a little miracle.  But as the boxes dwindle, I am faced with the realization that there is so much we still do not have.  Each box is a reminder of what was destroyed.  As the number of boxes grow smaller, so do the little miracles.  The treasures. 

This weekend I found a box of Goose's coats that I thought were all left at the old house. And as I unpacked her boxes, I remembered her coat rack was still mounted to the wall outside her bedroom, with coats and pictures still on it.

I went through my scrapbooks and cried.

I remembered all of the large professional portraits we never had framed. They were still "safely" in their envelopes in my old craft room.  Saw remnants of Molly on nearly every page... a solitary hair clinging between the pages.  I didn't wipe them away. 

Hubs told me he felt the same way about the smell of our couch.

Musty old dog. Yum.

Okay, not really, but still Molly.

I had her first and last collar saved in my bedroom.

But they weren't "saved"

It kills me to think she is still at that old house, all alone.

But I have her leash. And some chew toys.

And a few stray hairs.

And a stinky couch..

It's quite a contradicting life I am living right now.

So happy and peaceful and yet so sad and stressful at the same time.

It's somewhat of a balancing act, but this time I'm not afraid to fall.

I'm not scared to be sad.

The stressful feeling isn't overwhelming.

I feel like I am dealing, transitioning, re-establishing who I really want to be.

Who I really AM.

I am setting some big goals.

And for the first time (in a really long time)

I feel like I'm going to complete them.

And not just that...

I am going to blow every one out of the water.

Craft x NW Recap

Craft x NW can be described in one word:

DISASTER!

BUT...

Now I know what I need to do next time. 

Cuz there will be a next time.

Hubs was (and still is) sick, and I was having a bad week.

All this stress with moving and the craft fair really got to me.

So already things were not looking so hot for me.

I was a man down AND my IL's took the canopy/tent with them.

(How dare they!? It only belongs to them. ;"P)

I was supposed to get downtown to set up at 2 and I didn't get there until a quarter to 4.

The fair started at 4:00 pm!

Then, 

it started to rain.

So there I was...

by myself...

with no tent...

in the rain.

I set up my display and started to get soaked.

People walked by and looked sorry for me.

I wanted to cry.

Then I got my first customer. 

:)

And realized that the $20 in change I had brought with me was no longer in my pocket.

:(

$!@#%&!#$!!!

It rained harder.

I couldn't take any pictures.

I cried.

Then a wonderful girl took pity on me and invited me into her tent.

I was literally seconds from leaving when she stopped by. (And it was only 5!)

Her name was Molly.

We carried my displays through the rain and Molly and her friends (Emily and Emily, the "Deer soap" girl) graciously made space for me in their tent. 

Piel de Miel. That's the name of their business.

They don't have a website yet or I would link you up.

Molly and Emily make lip balms and face scubs and other body treats with organic and local ingredients and Emily makes (deer) soap.

All three of them were beautiful and amazing! And I am so so very thankful they took pity on me. I really couldn't have done it without them. 

I didn't make it the whole night. I only stayed until about 7:30 and I was supposed to stay until 9 pm. 

I tried to stay as long as possible but by the end of the day I was spent.

I made about $30 though. And my booth spot cost $30, so I broke even on that.

(Unless you count the $20 I lost...)

And despite feeling like a complete failure, I feel like I owe it to myself to go back and do this again.

I can't give up!!!

The organizer of Craft x NW is planning to do this every second Saturday of the month from June-September.

I don't know the cost yet, but I hope to be able to participate. 

Now, I know what I need to do to be prepared.  

And it shouldn't rain as much this summer.

AND

I will be investing in a tent!

Mommy's Artiste!

Saturday was one month since Molly passed

and it has still hit us all pretty hard.

The other day, I cried when we got home and I didn't smell the stench of dog. My heart breaks a little every time I see the gate to the back yard open or when I leave a plate on the counter knowing it won't get doggy-napped.

And of course, none of this has been lost on Goose. She misses Molly too. Lately, all of the "family" pictures she has drawn include Molly. They didn't really when Molly was alive. Like the picture below...

Mommy, Daddy, Goose and Molly.

See the "blob" in the top left?

The one with the "halo?"

That's Molly.

In heaven.

Watching over our family.

And today she was talking to her Unca Micha (my brother) on the phone. She told him that our new dog's name is Mimi. (Note: Mimi is a combination of "Kiki" and "Molly", Goose came up with this all on her own!) He must have asked her if we were getting a new dog because she told him "No, my mommy's heart is still broken."

I teared up a little. But it's true, and that's what I told her. That Molly was really special to me and I'm just not ready for another dog yet. At least not until we buy a house (and we are contemplating some major changes that are not suited for pet ownership.)

It gets easier, not having a dog around. I must say though... I haven't had to go to bed with out Hubs yet. Molly was my security alarm. When Hubs was gone, I let her sleep on the bed. Right as my feet. And her ears would perk up and a growl would start in her throat...

Okay, I can't talk about it any more without crying like a fool and today has been a good day so far.

I may be back later with another crafty post.

Depends on if I can get it all done after dinner and before the...

JACK BAUER (TWO?) HOUR(S?) OF POWER!!!

ETA - Yes, it WAS 2 hours of Jack Bauer.

I'm really happy that they brought Rene back.

And she is all BAD ASS!

And Freddy Prinze Jr. is still HOT!

Even if he IS a pretty boy.

And what's up with Dana/Jenny? Scandalous!

I love 24!

Molly, I miss you!

Molly
December 29, 2001 to December 16, 2009

My beloved furbaby passed away yesterday at about 2 in the morning. She was my first baby. I've had her ever since I moved out after I graduated. Her mother is my mom's dog and I remember picking her out of the litter as my own the first time I ever saw her.

She was sleek black and the only one with white markings on her chest and toes.

Molly loved to chase balls. Not just balls, but anything round, or throw-able. Sticks, soda bottles, rope... bubbles, (God, the bubbles. I hope there are bubbles in doggie heaven). Balloons and "the light" made her batty. Before Goose was born, she was SO spoiled. She loved to get dressed up and wear her pretties (scarves/handkerchiefs).

This dog wanted nothing more than to play. She would run and run until she was panting and her legs would shake. Molly loved water and going to the beach to chase sticks. She loved going for walks with Goose and I, although she never did great on a leash.

When she was younger, we let her sleep in bed with us. She would sleep right at my feet, curled in a ball. And when I was sick, she would lay with me as if she knew. She loved to wrestle around the bed, covered in blankets, trying to "give kisses" to me or Hubs or Goose.

Molly was so good with Goose. Never bit her, not once, though it would have been deserved the way Goose would torment her so. She put up with a lot and still loved her. The day she died, her tail wagged so hard when we came home and she just laid there as Goose smothered her with hugs and kisses.

She wasn't alone when she went. Hubs was right by her side as her breathing slowed and she peacefully passed on.

I had her and loved her for 8 years. In the past year or so, she had begun to had hip problems (common for labs) and I recently noticed cataracts growing in her eyes. I hope she wasn't in too much pain before she went and I know where she is now, she feels no pain at all.

Molly, you were my best friend.
You got me through a lot of tough times and I will miss you SO MUCH.

Love you Mo-Dizz!
Love, Mama